Tag Archives: introverted

Verge of tears (what’s with March?)

They’re right there. I can feel them threatening to erupt at any moment. But they never get past the gatekeepers of my eyes…

Talked way too much in group today. I took up too much time. They didn’t seem to outwardly mind though…and it helped the overwhelm a bit.

I wish I could cry; either salty or red, but something would be an improvement over all this stuffing… I’m so tired…

Is this a pattern? Do I always start a descent around February/March? When I was going to school, the breakdown started around this time of year. When I was down south, it was about this time of year that things would get really difficult… what’s the significance though? There are no anniversaries or major life events that I can point to. July is an easy one: K’s death, my first suicide attempt… even October/November is understandable with the start of the full holiday push. But March I don’t get. There’s nothing going on this month. Nothing happened in March. Why do I seem to struggle more during this month? I’ll have to bring it up to Dr C and ask if she has any theories.

In the mean time, gotta keep fighting through the days. Hope it doesn’t put too much strain on L & I (we’re both struggling in our own right, and it’s starting to show wear on the relationship. Nothing huge and life-changing, but enough to have us both testy and snippy with each other… resentments abound on both sides, though I’m not sure how fair either is).

I wish I could cut. Baring that, I wish I could cry. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off and to myself. Maybe I’ll be able to recharge a bit. I wasn’t feeling totally social today, but I went to my friend’s anyway hoping to just be able to sit and “be” outside of the apartment… she didn’t tell me she had company over though, so that failed… L and I are still touchy and talking it out over text (we seem to do better that way), but she’s also not feeling well. Took nyquil tonight and was out like a light before I got back…

I’m just so tired…

Monday already?!

I’m not quite sure where that weekend went… well, ok.  That’s a lie; I know exactly where the weekend went, and it was pretty good.  And yet, I feel like bawling my eyes out today.  I feel trapped and rushed and smothered by commitments.  G is down, and it’s also adding to the stress.  We don’t necessarily have much out of the ordinary going on this week, but having no space at home makes everything that much more overwhelming.

I’m an introvert.  I need my space to be able to re-charge.  Since G arrived, I have had none.  He has no personal space boundaries.  He follows me around worse than the dogs do.  It would be flattering and loving if I didn’t see it as such a bother.   When I was 3, petting my head and wanting to touch my shoulder or rub my back was ok (though not all the time), but in my mid-30’s, it’s just intrusive and skeevey.  I don’t much like to be touched in the first place, but add to it that it’s my dad and I really have not yet chosen to let him back into my life, it amplifies my discomfort yet again.  He doesn’t get it.  He thinks I’m just busy, but I really don’t want to see him or spend much time with him.  If I were living on my own, he would not be here (he is not welcome in my & L’s home).  I would not be spending time with him, or visiting with him.  The only reason he is here is because it’s (mostly) my mom’s house.  If it were up to me, we would still have little to no contact.  He rubs me the wrong way.  He triggers anger just by being in the vicinity… and he does not respect my animals (whom I tend to see as my kids).  He yells at them for no reason, and is harsh.  I tell him over and over again not to be like that with them, but he refuses to respect that.  He’s still pissed I choose them over him in a heartbeat any day of the week… They have not traumatized me, but he certainly has.  They win.

Part of me is glad to be volunteering tomorrow.  It means I get to be out of the house.  But another part of me is still really tired.  I don’t want to have to be social yet again.  I made a commitment however, so I need to stick with it.  Tomorrow is also the first day of this year’s school program.  They will be piloting a bunch of new curricula for the different grades.  It should be more in line with what is covered in the students’ standardized testing… None of us have done it live yet, so tomorrow will be a learning experience for all.  I also have to remember to get there on time, as I have to do the animal husbandry before the class starts (usually takes me about an hour and a half, but it will need to be completed in an hour).  No pressure there… ugh!

So anyway, I will be out and forced to be social yet again tomorrow.  And I’m sure G will be ever-so-clingy again when I get home… There’s no rest for the wicked I tell you!

On a sidebar, I may have to put my sleeve on hold for a bit longer, one of the cats has a super-swollen paw.  It doesn’t seem sore (she puts her full weight on it, and she lets me squish at it without complaint), but I would rather be safe than sorry.  If it’s simply a matter of infection that can be taken care of with an antibiotic, I would prefer that to her getting septic from it down the line and either dying or losing the leg.  I know we don’t really have the money to take the cat to the vet, this is something that needs attention, especially because she is mostly an outdoor cat.  It’s hard enough to monitor her. I happened to be lucky enough to snag her inside before a storm, and she hasn’t wanted to leave again these last 2 days (unusual in and of itself, so she must be feeling off).  Anyway, I’m hoping I can get away with it being a simple fix, and her being ok relatively soon.  I definitely cannot afford any major illnesses with any of the critters.  It was bad enough that last night one of the dogs decided to try to eat a cane toad out back.  Luckily, she only got high.  I managed to wash her mouth out fast enough and well enough to keep her from going toxic.  I am pretty sure she was hallucinating at one point though, as she refused to step on the grass (lava or broken glass or blades or something I’m guessing).  She never developed symptoms beyond the excessive drooling (this toxin acts pretty quickly, she would have had a full-blown reaction within 10-15 minutes if it was to happen – according to the vet.  L had not realized that some people licked toads to get high.  She said as much when I mentioned that the dog was likely tripping from the toxins.  Drugs/toxins can cause hallucinations and/or euphoria when ingested in smaller doses.  I don;t recommend licking toads though.  You never know where they’ve been, what you’re ingesting, and how toxic it will actually be… and they must taste awful too!  I’m all for responsible, natural substance use, but licking frogs doesn’t fall under that category for me… eeewww! ok, getting grossed-out by that thought.

On to bigger and better things: I must set my alarm so I can wake in time not only to shower before “work” but also get the dogs all situated for the day. Oh, and I need the car, so I will be taking L to work way before even the ass crack of dawn…

Here’s to hoping Monday (and the week) will go smoothly! Remember: no licking toads!