I spent the day running around doing errands. It was really only supposed to be one errand, but it led to others that eventually stole the day away.
Original mission: get silicone lubricant for the pins in the new calipers (mom’s rear brakes were changed by your’s truly and mom & L on Saturday).
I grab one of the dogs (because he has way too much energy and he’s driving everyone nuts) and head out. I decide to also stop at the pet store (to which I have a free $5), so bringing the dog makes sense. Ok, quick trip to the auto parts store and the pet store. I should be home in an hour… or so I thought. Just a few lights shy of the auto parts store, my car flashes a warning at me saying that my oil levels are dangerously low and I need to turn my car off NOW. I pull into the parking lot of said parts store and pick up a quart of oil, then ask the lady behind the desk if they have the lubricant I’m looking for. She shakes her head, and sells me something 5 times as expensive. I cringe, but go back to the car. I toss the lubricant into the passenger seat and proceed to add quart of oil to my engine. I check my dip stick only to find I’m still not registering. Great. I need an oil change anyway, so I call my preferred mechanic (15 minutes away) to make sure they have time to fit me in. Yes. I pop in the pet store along the way to get what I need (forgetting that the same chain has a store less than a mile past my mechanic on the way home… oh well). I get what I need and the puppy and I head off to get the oil changed. It takes 20 minutes to get there, then the puppy and I wait an hour for them to finish (meanwhile puppy starts chewing the furniture in the waiting room, so I take him for a quick walk down the street). We return in time to pay and leave. While there however, I had asked the mechanic what they used for the lubricant. He tells me that the woman at the parts store sold me something that is pretty useless anywhere on the car but the calipers. He suggests I check out another store for the right stuff. I stop there on the way home to return the horrendously expensive lube I originally purchased, and pick up the “complete brake kit” they happen to have on sale for less than half the cost of the lube (packet of lube included as well as brake fluid and brake cleaner). I have brake fluid at home, but if it means buying all three things for $2 more than the lube alone, I bite. The puppy and I head for home.
Once home, the puppy is occupied with telling the other dogs of his adventures in the last few hours. Mom, L and I head outside to “bleed” the brake fluid from the car. Tire one done without a hitch. I move on to tire 2 only to find that the caliper is spewing brake fluid all over the place (it’s pretty corrosive stuff once it touches air). It has stripped the coating off the inside of mom’s tire hub, started to melt the rubber on the shocks, and is in the process of eating away at the first layer of anti-corrosive on the axle and rest of the brake assembly. I have L call our “car” friend for tips. We try a bunch of things only to find that the re-manufactured caliper I installed is defective. Great. I also ask him how to clean up the brake fluid from the rest of the car to avoid damage. He says all I need is to spray it with some brake cleaner (serendipitously picked up earlier today) to neutralize it, then wipe the excess off. Yay! one thing I can fix immediately.
I leave mom babysitting the car and tools outside while L and I go to exchange the caliper at the closest store. When I get there, I am told they do not have any more in stock. I am given the address to another “local” store that has the part. L and I drive off (my car had mentioned I was low on fuel earlier this afternoon, but I had forgotten to stop at the time. now she’s blinking and throwing up the “low fuel” warning again. We make it to the next store. I exchange the faulty caliper. I also want to buy new brake line bolts for both the rear brakes. This store only has one, but I can buy 2 and pick the second one up at another of their stores. Ok… I make the purchase and L and I are off again. We drive to the 3rd auto parts store of the trip (my 5th for the day) to pick up the bolts. It just so happens that we are now on the perfect heading for picking up fries at Five Guys and getting gas at the cheaper station. Yay! We do all that and get home in time to see the car bathed in total darkness. Brakes will have to be finished tomorrow I guess. I had started my “quick” errands at noon today, and am finally home by 7pm… So much for doing anything else.
This continued trouble-shooting with car repairs has my brain turned to mush. While it was a fun challenge at the start, I kinda just want to pull all my hair out at this point. I would hand it off to someone else to finish if I knew of any such person. Alas, I have no cash for a professional, and know no one in the area that could finish the job. It lands all back on me, mom & L. Fun. (not). HOPEFULLY there will be no more snags in the process and mom’s car will once again be driveable by tomorrow afternoon… I’m really hoping.
I have had plenty to help me distract though. I have not yet once thought about the things De has wanted me to tackle this week (oops!), and my defenses remain in place. I’m not really interested in having the conversation with L about my fears. It all leaves me wondering why I am in therapy at the moment. I think I am trying to run away from it all. It’s scary stuff that I do not want to face, but know I have to face. Maybe this week can be spent talking to De about some of the fears. While I don’t necessarily have to talk to L about it, I could set up my session to focus on that and get somewhere with De on it. I don’t want to give in to the fear that has had me give up every time so far. It has always ended in disaster in the long run. I want to finally push through my defenses and actually make progress with it all. I don’t want to let this trip me up again… Maybe if I can finally get the brakes done tomorrow, I will have some brain power left to do some meaningful (expressive) art. It’s not that the rest of my art is not meaningful, it’s just that lately it’s all been coloring or scribbling or meaningless doodles. I want to be able to get some of this trapped stuff out at least through my creative side. I hate that it’s all trapped in the sponge of my brain… It’s only going to grow moldy there until it gets too big for itself and spills out again. Most of the “spillage” happens in violent and (physically & emotionally) traumatizing ways. We all deserve better than that…
till the next water-logged-sponge blog, hope you all have a great night and a wonderful day!
both sides of the wall 
What are your thoughts?