I ditched the job I accepted earlier in the week… it sounded sketchy. They wanted me to do “creative billing” and tack on extra charges… I just don’t feel comfortable with that. So now I feel lost. I gave up the only work prospect because my gut gave me an uneasy feeling about it. I have learned to go with my gut. The only reason I regret it is that now I have to start over again with the job search. I have no leads, and there are no hopes of any money coming in soon. It’s frustrating. I want to have some resources, but there are none… and its making me feel depressed and hopeless. Everything I used to do to make money is unavailable to me right now. That leads to wanting to hide from the world. Luckily, it hasn’t triggered my self-harm urges. Oh, and I need to cancel next week’s appointment with D because I don’t have the $8 to see him. It just all sucks…
Tag Archives: relax
I’ve always had difficulty trusting men in positions of power (real or perceived). I was very, very cautious about the thought of seeing a male clinician, but since the rest of my visits so far have been less-than-productive, I decided to try.
I met with D for the first time today. He is a doctoral student at a local university, and supervised by the psychologist I had hoped to work with. He was calm and affirming and in no way intimidating. I found myself easily taking to him, and spilling more than I intended. I was also more honest than I have been since I got down here. Yes, he used the textbook responses, and I could pinpoint what technique he was using and when… but as much as he seems very inexperienced, he had a very calming presence. Everyone has to start somewhere. I just hope I’m not too much for him and he runs screaming from the building one day…
I see the new EAP lady again tomorrow. It will be my last session. While she was nice, I just didn’t feel like we clicked. Our focus lays in different spots… and today was too late to cancel. Maybe she can get me hooked up with other services to see if we can get out of this hole we are in.
Why is it that certain words trigger such a strong reaction in me? There are sentiments that, when expressed to me, make my blood boil and take away filters for kindness and respect. I’m specifically thinking about all the references to god and how people have a need to tell me that their god will make it all better if I just believed… The truth about that is that, yes, your beliefs can improve or deteriorate a situation. But it doesn’t mean that if I don’t believe in your god, things will stay the same or get worse for me. Faith can be very helpful, or very crippling depending on your beliefs, but it won’t change an abusive situation, or help your finances.
As I was trying to figure out why religion is such a triggering issue for me, I remembered the first time I disclosed my abuse to someone that should have been able to help. I was told to “pray about it and God will make it all better.” That was the sentiment that was supposed to help keep me and the people I cared about safe. There was no follow up requesting details. There was no mention of other possible help on the way. “Just pray about it” and all the physical and emotional anguish will disappear. Bullshit. Things don’t work that way. No amount of prayer healed my aunt. It didn’t stop my dad from being a huge jerk. It didn’t stop his sister from doing all the shit she did. It didn’t stop my then-boyfriend from assaulting me. And it didn’t bring me any solace in the least. So bullshit. Prayer, gods, and religion don’t make anything better. Standing up for yourself does. Reaching out to the right people does. Fighting like hell does. But religion? It brings guilt, resentment, and learned helplessness.
That’s why those stupid posts about bringing god back to schools, and those about trusting god make my blood boil. I had religion in my schools and it didn’t stop, or even lessen, the violence and abuse. It didn’t make kids more tolerant of others (quite the opposite actually). It didn’t prevent students from making bad choices, and it didn’t make the campus safer… Don’t force your belief system on me or anyone. You are free to believe whatever you want, but please stop acting like it’s the only valid belief system in the universe.
I was all comfortable in my blog page being the way it was when I first came onto wordpress, but now they have gone and changed it… I love blue and all, don’t get me wrong, but the black and grey felt so much more appropriate… and what’s with changing the titles of the functions… now they have me all confused.
On another note, I got a job offer. The pay sucks, but the potential for advancement is great. I also get no benefits (which sucks because I will be losing the ones through my wife as her company continues to drop the ball with her transfer), no paid time off… but I set my own schedule, and work as much or as little as I want (and clients need me) in a given week. It will be tough, as I like having the security of knowing I will at least be getting X number of dollars every paycheck, but again, this is better than nothing, and the learning opportunities are HUGE. I have to formally accept the position on Monday, then meet with my only other co-worker in the state for shadowing, training, and meet-and-greets with my new clients. I will start out with 5, so that guarantees me 5 hours a week… now to get up to the other 35… There will be meetings, calls, and paperwork, so hopefully I can turn that 5 clients into at least 20 hours every week. Here’s to hoping… and hopefully soon I will get a bigger case-load. This will also help me in getting my wife signed up for state services (and possibly myself), as this state does not recognize my marriage, so she’s technically below the poverty level even if I’m working.
Now, I will have to pull it together and function at my best to make this all work, but it sounds cool. Case Managers here have more responsibilities and authority than they did in my last state… That will be cool. While I won’t be doing therapy, I will have more therapeutic contact with my clients and gain the skills I have been dying to get and use since graduating with my BA… And maybe we will be able to save enough money to get our credits out of the endless pit they are in and be able to buy a house… We need our own space.
When I have no support, I’m falling apart. When I finally get someone to talk to, I suddenly can’t remember why it was that I needed it so badly just a few days ago.
That’s the story of my defenses. I freak out when I don’t have the support, but can manage to hold it together when I do. Great. When the clinician asked me today what I hoped to get out of our remaining 2 sessions together, I couldn’t think of a single thing other then support… 4 days ago, I couldn’t see past the huge black cloud surrounding me. Today I can’t remember the look of it.
Maybe part of it comes from knowing that I will likely not see her after these 3 sessions. I don’t think I will have insurance again any time soon, and I can’t afford a self-pay if it’s not a sliding scale.
I see the intern guy for the first time next week. I’m hoping I am comfortable enough to work with him. I can afford his fee ($8) once in a while until I get a job… and maybe I can work on my distrust of men with him. I was able to connect with a male clinician at the trauma program. Maybe I can do it again…
The universe is conspiring to screw us… I swear, someone up there hates me. Things go ok for a moment, then everything crashes again. Our phones are shut off again. We had paid enough to just get it back on, and now it was apparently only for 2 weeks. It went offat noon today… all my applications for work have my number on it, but it is useless. And I still can’t find a therapist to see… I had to cancel my Friday appointment because I will not have the copay… I’m so on my last thread… maybe that EAP lady was right… maybe I’m just a lost cause… hoplessly doomed to this shit for the rest of my life.
I kinda like this in a dark comedy kind of way… I resent that I was ever diagnosed bpd, and I wholly resent the way I was treated by several clinicians & psychiatrists because of the diagnosis, but she puts it well… and I guess I can see myself in the diagnosis the way she describes it (some of it… the abuse history, the fear of abandonment, the preoccupation with death as a means of escape, the self injury, the lack of identity…)