Tag Archives: not worth it

It was worth a shot…

I started hallucinating this morning. I’m guessing it was the meds, since hallucinations aren’t a normal thing for me… it was quite disturbing; black holes were opening up around me, and everything got distorted. The worst was the first one. It came up in front of me while I was driving to work. It took me a few to figure out what happened, and I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me once I realized it hadn’t just disappeared. 

Needless to say, the other side effects adding up with the hallucinations is enough for me to call it quits on this med. It was worth a shot, but it’s clearly not something my body can handle. 

I text the nurse this am, ultimately telling her I was stopping the med. She’s ok with that. I might try one of the other two next time I see her, but I’m not convinced it’s worth it… I guess we’ll see after we talk in person. 


More stupid triggers

Met with the aprn today. I knew she’d be intense, but I wasn’t expecting the plethora of triggers that would come my way. 

Aside of her abrupt and incredibly direct manner, she started to talk more about ect after I told her I was strongly against it. I started to run away inside myself, and was about to walk out when I stepped back and was able to ask her to stop talking about it. After she recovered from the interruption, she apologized and moved on. 

I had trouble grounding again, but managed by the time the hour was up. I stood to leave. She offered a handshake though I was already turned towards the door and on my way out. I turned to shake her hand more out of obligation than anything. I was expecting a quick one, but she held on to my hand with both of hers, continuing to shake even as I tried to pull mine away twice. She’s not a big woman, but she has quite a grip. My panic was rising when she finally let go.  I had group right afterwards though. I was able to feel safer in Dr C’s presence for the duration. 

I stayed distracted enough during group, but as soon as I left, the sensation of my hand being held grew louder. The memory of the aprn quickly got overlaid with a sense of bitch, and my whole body stated to feel like it was crawling. I wanted rip my skin off and my insides out… 

I really want to cancel the next appointment with her. I’m not sure the potential benefits of getting this generic test done are worth the intense triggers… correction; I know they are not. I just don’t have the courage to call her (or even text) to cancel the appointment. Maybe next week I’ll find the courage  (or I’ll suck up the no-show fee and just skip the appointment)…

I wish I could have communicated during the appointment that my impulsiveness only happens when I take psych meds. The whole mess of hospitalizations happened mainly while I was on meds (save the two instances after I moved back home). 

I also didn’t verbalize that my ptsd kicked up big-time after that move, and that, while home, the flashbacks were 24/7 and incredibly intense. They aren’t as bad up here, nor as pervasive, though they do happen…

I’m not sure I want to keep triggering them by continuing to see this aprn. I’m sure she’s probably a nice person, and good at her job, but… when I try to remember anything about the appointment, she’s replaced by bitch and the things bitch did. 

I’m really not interested in trying psychotropic meds again (even ones I’ve not tried… all three of them). 

I’ve been feeling pukey and exhausted since the appointment. I really wanted to sleep, even on the drive home. I got home ok, then back out to pick L up at work, but fell asleep while waiting the 7 minutes for her to get out. I slept about 2 hours. I’m not as tired now, but still feel gross. I’m thinking it’s related to the triggering. 

She had asked what was behind the ever-present suicidality. All I could think to say was that I’m so tired… I wish I knew how to qualify what it’s like to struggle through every day. The best I can do is keep journaling the days, but even that doesn’t do it justice… how do you explain carrying a hell no one else can truly understand (nor do you ever wish them to)…


goodbyes are hard

I have trouble with the concept of feeling cared about. I don’t see why anyone would want to ever remember me unless I’m in their face & bugging them. To me, goodbyes feel like a death. Some people have proved that fear wrong, but I still fear it all the time. It’s a combination of not feeling real or worthy of being remembered, feeling really crappy about myself, and knowing I will miss the person’s company (probably a ton more than they will miss mine)… I guess you could say I don’t believe I could have object permanence with someone if I am not right there for them to be reminded of me. Most of my goodbyes involve a final severance. I suck at keeping in touch b/c I worry I annoy or frustrate the other person by trying to reach out to them. They probably get frustrated and think I don’t care, so they give up trying. In reality, I care a whole lot, but feel awkward reaching out…

I was told it’s natural to miss someone you have grown used to seeing, but I never manage to believe anyone should put effort into missing me.