Tag Archives: no

can’t get a grip on these emotions

I know, you’re probably sick of reading from me… Skip if you want (nothing of worth anyway, just me documenting mostly for myself).

I can’t get a handle on my emotions this week. I’m flying from being ok when I saw TM yesterday, to crashing last night and not being able to pull out of it today. Everything seems hopeless and useless and pointless…

I want to call TM and say next week will be it. I’m not seeing a point to it right now, since I hope to be moving in just over a month. What can we possibly accomplish in that time? Why did I bother to trust her or work with her in the first place. I knew it would end fast. I guess I was hoping it would be easier if I tried to just push through things. It’s not. And now it just sucks. I’m not totally sure what triggered this crash, but I’m back to another transference reaction, similar to the one around De’s leaving (only this time I’m doing the leaving). I don’t think it helps that I feel like TM “gets” me. She responds to my not-always-spoken fears, and we seem to click. I want to take her with me when I go, but I know it’s not possible…

I’m back to really just wanting to hide forever. F-this. I’m cooked right now. And I’m being stubborn and I’m not going to call her tomorrow. She’s right, I need to get back to a place of not needing her. So…

At the same time, I want to go hide in her office and get through all this emotional b.s. I want her to tell me it’s ok to be a mess, and that it’s gonna suck, but eventually it will get better. And I want her to tell me I was stupid for thinking I’d be able to get through any significant progress around all this in 4 months… I want her to agree that I should have known better. And I want her to hate me, and do something so I can be mad at her so it’s easier to just walk away.

I want to run away so badly right now. I want to erase everything and just disappear…

I’m so done with this constant roller-coaster. I wish there was some magic that worked. I wish meds didn’t make things worse… I wish I could just blink into nothingness.

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18 things all women should know about sex (a link to an article on huffpost)

I really liked this blurb on HuffPost.com, not only as an assault survivor, but as a woman.  These are things they don’t tell you.  These are the things that make you feel horrible when you believe the opposite…

I would also like to add that “no means no” and you can have any reason to say it, or no real reason at all.  If you don’t want it, you have every right to decline.

 


Depression sucks

Like you needed me to tell you that…
But anyway, today was a mess.  I got angry over stupid things that had not a lot to do with the moment.  I lashed out.  I wanted to cry (still do). There’s nothing that helps these crazy mood swings.  I hate them.

I’m frustrated with commitments and responsibilities (home and outside). I don’t want to do anything; I’d much rather hole myself up and hide away from the world.  Even as I write this, tears threaten to erupt from my eyes. There’s no reason for them; I just feel like crying.  I really hate crying.  Stray tears escape here and there, but actual, real crying sucks. I can’t breathe when my sinuses get so congested. And I can rarely really cry in front of another human being. Crying in front of others brings shame and fear and drama. No reason for crying is ever accepted as valid.  Tears are never welcome (and Skeletor will kill you).  Problems are never big enough to wear you down, because others have lived with them for years, and they have not broken like you have.  Nothing should ever be too much or overwhelming. Nothing should ever bring about tears or frustration.  It’s an awesome [sarcasm sign] double standard that you have always lived with.  You know it well.

There’s never an excuse for being weak or showing any signs of weakness (crying, depression, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness).  You are certainly never allowed to take anything personally (translate that to being hurt by hurtful words, actions,  and sentiments). Anorexia and disordered eating are not allowed, but highly idealized.  Other negative coping skills are equally forbidden (though less idealized).  Heaven forbid you suggest something to another that has been dictated upon you by that other.  Never ask for anything that takes work (or attention, or effort, or thought) that is not already being expended.  Never suggest anything that may put another out, but be prepared to have to work like hell to keep others happy.  Remember: you are worth/worthy of nothing; they are worth/worthy of everything. You know nothing (forget that you have the education) but others know everything (again, note appropriate – or lack-there-of – education)…
Funny how loud and present these distorted lessons can be when everything internally is shot to shit.  Gotta love disordered f.o.o…