My stomach hurts (from an infection due to an antibiotic), my head hurts… and my heart hurts. And I can’t seem to alleviate any of it. The medicine doesn’t take away the stomach or head pain, and I don’t think there’s a medicine for the heartache (at least none that would be “healthy”). So I’m trying to drown it all out. I’m sitting here bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy hoping that their story will make me forget my own for a bit… It only works half-way.
Friday De asked me to help her help me figure stuff out. She said that she was willing to work on stuff, but I had to point her in the right direction. She wanted me to tell her what I need… Great, if only I knew. This all has eluded me for 2 decades, how the hell am I supposed to come up with insight now? I tried to express what I mean when I say I “get stupid” about things, but I don’t think I did a good job. What I mean when I say it is that I cannot apply any of my learning to myself, nor can I figure out a helpful strategy for any hypothetical client that may be going through any of what I am. I get lost and I don’t know how to help anyone else or myself. I’m at that stage now. I have no clue what else needs to happen to allow me to move on from things. The only thing I do know is that the flashbacks, unwanted memories, body memories, and nightmares don’t go away… I don’t know how to alleviate them or make them less of a problem. I just don’t know what to do next. She had said she could just ask me questions, but that it would not be helpful, more along the lines of torture. I can handle torture. I know what to do with that. I don’t know how to deal with all this though. I know how to run or numb or cut, but I don’t know how to simply move on. Apparently, neither does she. I tried to tell her that the time she sprung talking about Duckboy on me was good, but she doesn’t want to over-do that. I have no answers for her. I have no insight or ideas. I just don’t know what to do (if I did, I probably wouldn’t need as much of her help).
So what do you do? How do you move on? What makes things like this better?