Tag Archives: no direction

Updateless update

Not doing much lately. The anniversary has come and gone without major incident. Dr C is off on her globe-trotting adventure. I’m working a bunch. L is settling into her new job (and we actually have time to do things together! She doesn’t come home crying either). 
Insomnia is back again. I think I slept for maybe 3 hours last night. The rest of the night was spent trying to sleep. Had a weird dream involving a former boss. We became friends again, but not really. I’m not sure. It was weird though. 

One of the neighbors is off from work this week. She mentioned getting together at some point because she’s just hanging around being bored. Unfortunately, this week I’m working a bunch again. Maybe I’ll bug her tomorrow. She likes crafting/art stuff, as well as walking, so maybe we will do one of those things (or just be lumps on a log together). I dunno. I’m so tired all the time; it gets difficult to motivate to do things. Maybe if I cleaned the house we could do some art, but it currently looks like something off an episode of hoarders…

I’m supposed to see one of Dr C’s colleagues tomorrow. I’m not even sure why I’m going. Yeah, the thought of going a month without support is daunting, but what in the world am I going to talk to this lady about? It’s not like I can work on anything with her… Dr C had mentioned seeing her weekly, but I think I may just do bi-weekly so I only see her twice. I don’t really have the cash for the copays anyway. I dunno… 

I’m just tired… the depression is at baseline (I think). The flashbacks are at baseline (mostly). Everything’s just… flat. 

Been trying to work on some art, but nothing gets past the initial mess. I start a page without any real plan. Normally, the pages resolve themselves as I work. Now, they just become layer upon layer of mess without any resolution… Actually, now that I think about it, it’s kinda mirroring therapy. I feel like I start a bunch of stuff with Dr C, but we never get anywhere with it. Time runs out for the day and then it’s almost forgotten by next session. It’s a combination of other things getting in the way, and me not having the courage to bring it up again, or not knowing where to go next with it. I keep asking her to help me structure things better, but then I keep eluding her attempts at more structure. It’s like I’m shooting myself in the foot one mile into a hike right after asking to make it 20 miles long… 

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midnight ramblings

My stomach hurts (from an infection due to an antibiotic), my head hurts… and my heart hurts.  And I can’t seem to alleviate any of it.  The medicine doesn’t take away the stomach or head pain, and I don’t think there’s a medicine for the heartache (at least none that would be “healthy”).  So I’m trying to drown it all out.  I’m sitting here bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy hoping that their story will make me forget my own for a bit… It only works half-way.

Friday De asked me to help her help me figure stuff out.  She said that she was willing to work on stuff, but I had to point her in the right direction.  She wanted me to tell her what I need… Great, if only I knew.  This all has eluded me for 2 decades, how the hell am I supposed to come up with insight now? I tried to express what I mean when I say I “get stupid” about things, but I don’t think I did a good job.  What I mean when I say it is that I cannot apply any of my learning to myself, nor can I figure out a helpful strategy for any hypothetical client that may be going through any of what I am. I get lost and I don’t know how to help anyone else or myself.  I’m at that stage now.  I have no clue what else needs to happen to allow me to move on from things.  The only thing I do know is that the flashbacks, unwanted memories, body memories, and nightmares don’t go away… I don’t know how to alleviate them or make them less of a problem.  I just don’t know what to do next.  She had said she could just ask me questions, but that it would not be helpful, more along the lines of torture.  I can handle torture.  I know what to do with that.  I don’t know how to deal with all this though.  I know how to run or numb or cut, but I don’t know how to simply move on.  Apparently, neither does she.  I tried to tell her that the time she sprung talking about Duckboy on me was good, but she doesn’t want to over-do that.  I have no answers for her.  I have no insight or ideas.  I just don’t know what to do (if I did, I probably wouldn’t need as much of her help).

So what do you do?  How do you move on? What makes things like this better?