How strongly should I pursue continuing EMDR? I want to hold out to find a therapist that is adept at it, but I don’t think I can wait long enough. I really need to talk to someone. I need to be able to get my balance back. Almost hourly I have to fight to keep from giving in to the urges to self-harm. I struggle with my doubts about calling a hotline for help. I haven’t had this little support in years. I have trouble asking for help when I feel like I am imposing on someone, so much of the time I don’t ask for anything… and I suffer for it… I torture myself with quiet struggles against self-injury. I don’t reach out even to those around me because I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want to have to explain my every move, so I shut down… which results in the same thing. My actions, facial expressions, web activity and sleep pattern are called into question. I cringe when I get “that look” that questions if I will disappear from life again. I’m trying hard, but not hard enough. I still have trouble over-coming my fear of being a nuisance. I’ve lost too much for being too needy. My after-hours call, no matter what I may be unable to say, is a desperate effort to stay afloat… If I call more than once in a night, I probably should be in the hospital… I won’t ever say that in my message to anyone, but once you get to know me, you know how much I fear becoming a bother… While I would never be upset if a client called me after hours, I become upset at myself for asking for help outside of the 9-5, M-F grind…
The problem with that is I fall apart much more before I finally seek help, and I seem more unstable. I don’t think I can win. I either ask for help when I outwardly seem fine (thus not able to get what I need), or I beg for help when I completely fall to pieces and wind up hospitalized.
Back to my original question: how ardently should I pursue a therapist trained and competent in EMDR? I know it helps (without it I would have lost my battle to refrain from self harm weeks ago), but I also don’t think I can wait to find insurance or a job. I’m lucky enough to have some access to services through my wife’s EAP. I don’t think I should be too picky at this point. The relief I felt when she told me I could see someone through the company was immense. It made that day a little easier to get through. And today, after calling them again, and calling the referral they gave me, I was able to function for the remainder of the day. Even if I am unable to say the things I want to over the phone tomorrow, at least I have the chance. Maybe I should take notes on everything I want to talk about. I know most of it sounds ridiculous to me when I’m not actively crumbling in the moment, but at least I could have reminders to let me choose whether or not to say anything when I talk to her…
It’s so hard to trust people… the idea of potentially only trusting this woman for 3 sessions, then having to find someone else is a scary one. I don’t open up easily, unless I’m desperate… I’m quite desperate of late. But then what? I have to struggle to find someone else to trust that will have a sliding scale and something I can afford on a negative bank account. I need some consistency in treatment again. I need to find someone down here that knows what they are doing. I don’t have the energy to convince a treater that meds are the absolute worst route for me, and that no, I do not have to embrace the diagnosis if I disagree with it… and that I need someone open to different methods of treatment for this trauma and dissociation and self injury than is normally prescribed. I had found someone that I think could be good, but her fees are very high for someone with no job… I really think she would be good (well, her colleague, but close enough), but I asked for a break and got none. although I did not ask for a billing option, I did not feel right doing so with no real prospects of being able to pay her in the foreseeable future. I’m not sure what it was that prompted Dr. C to do that for me from the start, but that is rare… and I didn’t ask for it, she just offered. While first getting in with her was brought on by a huge stress (my then-therapist ditched me at the hospital because I was too much of a liability, too unstable… but wasn’t that what I was paying her to help me with?!), finding her was the best thing. She was ok with me coming off meds (though concerned, I was so far down already, there wasn’t much farther I could have gone). She stood up for me when I had to battle the hospital psychiatrist’s insistence on ECT; supporting my opinion that it would not help for addictions. She is also very kind… she genuinely helped me refute all the voices in my head that tell me how awful I am, how useless and worthless of a thing I am… and she showed compassion for all that pain I carry with myself. She helped me unload some of it. She never once made me feel shameful about my self-injury, despite how sick I got with it… she helped me understand the motivations, and she let me know that I was not alone with it… THAT was huge. It made sense in the light of my trauma… I was the only one supplying the shame for that. I look forward to returning to see her when we move back… I hold that relationship in very high regard… Whomever my next therapist is had giant shoes to fill…
both sides of the wall 