Trying something different

I understand the value of trying to accept emotions and flashbacks vs trying to push them away. Today I’m going to try to sit with it all and just accept that it’s here. I’m going to try to put into practice the dbt, cbt, Buddhist, whatever other theory it falls under concept of just accepting that the flashbacks will come today, that my anxiety will rise and fall, that triggers will be here regardless of what else I do.

It’s incredibly difficult.

Been noticing since I woke up this morning that it’s all rising. I’m hoping that understanding “it is what it is” will help the rise and fall come faster. I’m trying to tell myself that if it does feel overwhelming, I will call TM without agonizing over the call before I make it. I’m hoping allowing myself to feel whatever comes up, and to reach out without my own host of judgements around it will make today smoother than yesterday.

It’s hard to resist trying to push the flashbacks and anxiety away. It’s actually quite exhausting trying to just “be ok” with whatever is going on in my head and body. But if I can do it around other difficult things, maybe I can do it around this too. And maybe this will be the “pattern interrupt” TM was hoping I’d find. If not, well then, tomorrow’s another day.

I’m trying to tease out of this is harder also in part because my usual 1 week between appointments has been extended to a week and a half because of the holiday on Monday (though my appointment is on Tuesday, TM will be off. She works Tuesday-Saturday. In an effort to not screw their clinicians out of holidays, if the holiday falls on their regular day off, they get the next day off instead. This is a good thing)… anyway, I wonder how much of this anxiety is over knowing my routine is off. I often have enough trouble bottling things up for the week. The thought of two extra days to keep composure without being able to decompress is a bit anxiety provoking. The stuff I’m trying to keep in check has been brewing and threatening to explode for a while now. With the added stress of pms, I’m kinda holding my breath hoping it doesn’t explode and splatter all over me. On the other hand, I’ve managed to keep it in check this long (however poorly, but it’s stayed put), what’s an extra two days?

Ok. So trying to just accept whatever happens with my body today. Trying to neither push it to come faster, nor to get it to go away. Trying not to panic over the thought of breaking down and crying. Trying to be ok with it all. I’d say trying to breathe also, but I’m leaving that figurative as consciously slowing my breath is a trigger…

We can do this…