Getting referred out because TM can’t provide the added support I need right now. Can’t keep seeing her because it would be a “duplication of services”…
I know I need it. I know I was probably going to bring it up again if she hadn’t, but I didn’t want to have to say goodbye quite yet. We only had 4 more sessions left (or maybe now it would have been 3?)…
It still sucks.
Not quite sure how to process all this. As long as I was still able to make it just seeing her weekly, I could talk myself out of my own hopelessness a bit. Now? I can’t turn off the tape that says she believes I’m as hopeless as I think I am. I can’t pull away from thinking that things will never get better because I always pathetically fall back to this.
I used to be functional. I used to have a life and a career and some friends… it all feels fake and so far away. The move that is supposed to happen at the end of next month feels impossible. There’s nothing that works to make any of this better.
It’s too much effort, so I melt into this really pathetic, useless, fucked-up up puddle.
I find myself holding my breath for my session tomorrow… it’s going to be a letdown. I want her to be more than she is; to have more power to magically fix things than she actually does.
The depression is so huge and overwhelming right now. I’ve run out of words and expressions that might adequately convey the hopelessness (I’m not sure I ever had them). I don’t have pictures in my head that could explain things. I’m tapped. It’s all a blank.
I spent most of the day in bed… it’s just not worth getting up.
As soon as the distractions slow, my head spins out of control.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired.
I don’t like the prospect of having to give up any of my kids, let alone one of the dogs. But we can’t find any place that will take all three. Not that I think they would let us in any way. My credit sucks. I can’t figure out how to reliably pull myself out of that hole… I start to get somewhere, then the depression pulls me down into the black hole and it’s all shot to hell. Kinda like the rest of my life. I start to get it going again, then depression shows up and I’m back down hard and fast.
Fuck it. It will never change…
That day of respite from all the heaviness yesterday is over today. I’m trying so hard to beat this thing. Is there treatment that actually works?? I’m doing the behavioral stuff I’ve learned over the years, going to outpatient therapy, doing meditation…
Meds tend to make things worse, but I am about ready to give them another try. Worst case I totally tank on them and everything finally ends.
I just don’t know anymore.
The only suggestions I keep getting from my treatment providers is to keep doing the stuff I’m doing, it’s just not helping…
It’s hitting hard today.
Tried to make some headway on the move & trying to get help with it or get help connecting to services, and got nowhere. Left messages. Waiting on call-backs, but not at all hopeful right now.
While there are more connections and offers to help, the qualifications are strict. Doesn’t look like I qualify for anything at all… At least my insurance options are a bit better. The people I saw prior to moving away all take 6 of the 7 insurance providers. Though not sure I will be able to get back in to see Dr. C…
Took the plunge and called a former employer to inquire about services. Really hoping none of the people I worked with will be seeing my name or info (though I worked with both the main office and one of the satellite offices, neither was the one that serves the area I will be moving to. Yay for me rarely working close-to-home).
Really want to get support from TM around all this, but at the same time really don’t want to waste a session on it. It’s not like there’s anything she can actually do for me.
Might just crawl back into bed for the rest of the day. So not in the mood for anything at all but hiding.