Tag Archives: goodbyes

:(… last session with TM

Said goodbye to TM today… It was a good session, but I didn’t really say any of what I had hoped to tell her.

We colored and did pictures. It was good. I’ve spent the rest of the day feverishly sorting and packing… and I may or may not have utilized alcohol as a coping skill as well.

I can’t believe the move is in 2 weeks. I have exactly 14 days to get my shit together. It’ll happen, but I may panic a few more times along the way.

I keep wishing I had said more to TM today. I keep trying to find the right words so I could at least leave her a message, but I don’t have the words. I mentioned as much to her today; that I don’t know how to say thank you and convey the totality of what that means… and I didn’t ask her for a hug, though I really wanted to. I again couldn’t find the words. She had all this stuff in her hands, and I had stuff in mine and… well, I didn’t ask. She even asked if there was anything else, and I just said “no”. We had already gone a few over, and I didn’t want to keep her longer in the hallway as I struggled to form the question.

I did ask if it would be ok to call and update her though, and she said that she would like that.

Sometimes I really hate the finite nature of a therapeutic relationship. I’m also aware though, that it wouldn’t be as safe without the boundaries in place. It just sucks at times like these…

 

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Sudden freak-out moment

I was up early this morning. I normally am awake, but in bed for several hours before I actually get up. This morning I physically got out of bed before 6:30am. I sat on the patio with the dogs and drank my coffee… the problem with that though, is the panic over this move and the losses kicked in earlier in the day. I did my online stuff already and it’s not even 10 am. I’ve finished all the distractions that normally get me through to 1 pm… now there’s time to think. I really don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember that everything changes in 3 weeks. I don’t want to remember that next week is my last session with TM. I don’t want to tackle the giant task of sorting things, packing them, and moving them. I don’t want to think about the fact that I feel people see my animals as disposable. I don’t want to be aware of any of the losses or changes coming up… and I don’t want to cry.

I suddenly feel very needy today. I want to be a little kid and not worry about anything, only I’m worried about everything.

Maybe if I get the dogs up-&-at-’em, their craziness will provide a distraction for the time being. I could do mani-pedis and give the little guy the haircut he so desperately needs. Then maybe I can clean out the snake cages I’m hoping to sell before the move… and… I don’t know. Hoping that provides enough distraction and draining to allow this panic to abate.


Dear TM…

Dear TM,

Now you are seeing the hopeless mess that I can become. I don’t like that you will remember me this way. I don’t like that we are ending on this note. I’d prefer you to think of me as someone who can figure shit out and make it in life (coz someone needs to believe that about me. I certainly don’t)…

I’ve put up walls b/c I need you to be a stranger right now. I need to be able to leave without feeling completely crushed about all the losses. It’s not just you I have walls up around. It’s the house, and the state, and mom, and the dog and cats, and art time with my friend, & everything… I’m only going to allow myself to miss the beach. That is all. Everything else is too raw and too painful.

I still want to ask if it would be ok if I called you once I’m settled again… I was going to ask if I could call you on the anniversary day, but it will end up being the day we leave. I will need to concentrate on driving and hanging with the wife… I hope she knows she will have to do the first leg of the journey, the one that gets us out of the driveway and away from this neighborhood. I’m not sure how to say goodbye to all this…

Maybe the IOP will work out? I’m not getting my hopes up, because I don’t have faith in them billing for copays, but at least I can go to the intake without having to pay anything that day. Then we can go from there. The little kid in me wants to keep seeing you as much as I can before I go, but the other part of me sees the heaviness of the depression and knows I would be better off with more support…

I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I will come out the other side. I always do.

Please don’t actually hate me, just maybe let me think you do for the moment.

Pieces,

sj


:gulp: I did it…

All my defenses were up and I had my opening lines rehearsed going into session today.

Before we even sat down, I told TL that all my defenses were up and asked if we could please not poke any holes in them today. After some clarification and checking, she agreed. We talked a bit about my trip up north and how I had been doing recently. We talked some about future plans and the possibility of me volunteering. I totally forgot to ask her for the number that she had mentioned the session before… Then I think she noticed me keep glancing at the clock. She asked what the papers were that I had stashed under my leg, and suddenly they felt stupid. I told her so, then looked at the clock one more time and blurted out that I needed today to be our last session. She looked sad; a bit like she might cry. I really hoped she wouldn’t because I would not have been able to keep it together at that point. She recovered quickly and asked why I thought it would be good to end. I was able to tell her it was mostly the transference stuff, and how it brough up really negative feelings between sessions. I also mentioned that the bi-weekly thing wasn’t working for me (which she acknowledged and said that she had planned to address it today had I not asked for it to be the last session. She agreed that my walls went up enough between weekly sessions, and that every other week seemed to really wear on me). I tried to explain the transference piece to her (what part felt bad, and how I didn’t think it was fair to her because she was nice and I wanted to not feel scared of her), but I didn’t really explain it well. We joked a bit about it and the ending. Then we talked about what would be helpful in my next therapist, and what I thought had worked; what positives I was taking from therapy with her. Ok, we tried to talk about it, but I went blank (this wasn’t something I had rehearsed talking about so the anxiety took over). I tried to explain how the dissociation had been different, and how I wasn’t sure exactly why it was, but there was something about working with her that allowed me to be more aware of the present even when I checked out on her. It often felt like I was still there sitting next to another part of myself that was doing the emotional experiencing, but I was able to translate some of it to her and be honest in the moment even when I was dissociating. It was difficult to explain even with my clinical knowledge, and she agreed that there wasn’t much vocabulary out there for what I was trying to convey. I think she ended up understanding what I meant though… She asked her routine questions checking in around the safety piece. Then time was up.

Before session (we had taken the elevator up together, which was a first), I had mentioned having something for her in my car that I wanted to give her, but that I left it in my car because the varnish fumes were very strong. After session, she walked down with me and I gave her the painting. She seemed really touched (mentioned that I was going to make her cry and she wasn’t supposed to cry… later I thought that I could have used one of her lines on her; that crying would be “modeling healthy expression” since I had earlier mentioned that I was ashamed to cry in front of others, but I didn’t think of that in time), and I got all flustered. I managed to thank her for working with me, and I kinda explained some of the painting to her. I told her I was bad at goodbyes, but that they were really important to me. She offered up that I could contact her again (via telephone tag at the agency) if the referral didn’t work out, or if I needed to touch base before the referral went through. Then she gave me a hug. I kinda freaked out a bit at that. I was afraid I’d contaminate her and cringed involuntarily when she hugged me. I think she kinda misinterpreted that though, because it ended up being a super short half-hug thing… Then we got in our cars and went our separate ways. Well, she pulled out and I sat in the parking lot for a moment…

I really hate goodbyes, and I really kinda wish she had asked if I was sure I wanted to end after today (though I also kinda set it up for her not to ask when I asked that she not poke holes in my defenses and not push me on stuff today. Maybe I should have been clearer about being ok talking more in-depth about why I wanted out)… I’m a bit intimidated with the prospect of having no additional support for the next month or so. I was a wreck with the bi-weekly thing, what really makes me think a month will be any easier (especially a month of uncertainty combined with the holidays)? But I really needed to wrap things up. I really needed to halt some of the intense neediness and the uncomfortable transference-related stuff… Honestly, I really wish I could have just followed her to the other agency, but it would be pointless since she is planning on leaving there too (and I’d have to figure out how to pay out-of-pocket at ten times my current session rate). :(…

I took a detour to the beach on the way home (seems to be an after-termination-session tradition lately)… I walked about a mile, and did a bunch of sitting watching the birds and the water. I even waded in the water (though not until after a few false-starts with getting my feet wet. Water in December is cold – not for the tourists, but for us “natives” it is… some kids playing in the water laughed as I jumped backwards when my toes first hit the waves). Also, do not tempt mother nature (I should know this by now from L’s adventures with her). I was sitting at the edge of the dry sand watching the waves come up to my feet. No sooner had I completed my thought about moving higher up before the next wave hits my butt than the water washed up around me… Now, not only was my bottom chilly, but I looked like I peed myself :/ Oops… Don’t tempt mother nature because she finds shit like this hilarious 😉

 

 


That went by way too fast

She said some things and I wanted to ask what she meant by them, but I couldn’t. And I wasn’t able to really say what I wanted to… shit. This sucks. And now we are done. And that’s it. So this is weird. And I don’t know if I can drive right now, so I’m just sitting in the parking lot. I needed to cry, but I didn’t let myself, and now I can’t because I don’t have tissues in the car, and I need to see if I want to be able to drive… shit. Yeah. This sucks… that went by way too fast.

image

I ended up going to the beach down the road from her office. It took me a while to settle on actually getting out of the car, but I’m glad I did. I sat for a while and watched the water. I was also able to write out some of what I had wanted to say to her and post it on the blog I had for her. I left a message asking her to read it. Having been able to say more than what I had in session really helped lift the weight. It gave me the goodbye I desperately wanted to be able to express, and it brought closure on my end. I still wish it wasn’t goodbye, but at least it doesn’t feel as awful as it has when I left her office earlier. I’m sure I’ll cry about it again, and it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, but at least this loss had closure.
I know why most therapists will not become friends with clients after termination, but I think I would have liked to hang out with De on that level. J would have been a fun friend also. I know I’m capable of that shift in relationship because I’ve done it before (actually still friends with my first therapist from high school, and we have a balanced friendship), but I also know that this one would have been awkward. I would feel the need to protect her from anything that could ever go wrong. I think today the transference switched from parental to sibling… maybe I’ll bump into her again before I move, maybe not, but I hope she does well in life.


De will be leaving the agency in just under a month. And I leave the state 6 weeks after that. Finding a new therapist is pointless.  Whatever. Shit happens, right?