Said goodbye to TM today… It was a good session, but I didn’t really say any of what I had hoped to tell her.
We colored and did pictures. It was good. I’ve spent the rest of the day feverishly sorting and packing… and I may or may not have utilized alcohol as a coping skill as well.
I can’t believe the move is in 2 weeks. I have exactly 14 days to get my shit together. It’ll happen, but I may panic a few more times along the way.
I keep wishing I had said more to TM today. I keep trying to find the right words so I could at least leave her a message, but I don’t have the words. I mentioned as much to her today; that I don’t know how to say thank you and convey the totality of what that means… and I didn’t ask her for a hug, though I really wanted to. I again couldn’t find the words. She had all this stuff in her hands, and I had stuff in mine and… well, I didn’t ask. She even asked if there was anything else, and I just said “no”. We had already gone a few over, and I didn’t want to keep her longer in the hallway as I struggled to form the question.
I did ask if it would be ok to call and update her though, and she said that she would like that.
Sometimes I really hate the finite nature of a therapeutic relationship. I’m also aware though, that it wouldn’t be as safe without the boundaries in place. It just sucks at times like these…
I was up early this morning. I normally am awake, but in bed for several hours before I actually get up. This morning I physically got out of bed before 6:30am. I sat on the patio with the dogs and drank my coffee… the problem with that though, is the panic over this move and the losses kicked in earlier in the day. I did my online stuff already and it’s not even 10 am. I’ve finished all the distractions that normally get me through to 1 pm… now there’s time to think. I really don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember that everything changes in 3 weeks. I don’t want to remember that next week is my last session with TM. I don’t want to tackle the giant task of sorting things, packing them, and moving them. I don’t want to think about the fact that I feel people see my animals as disposable. I don’t want to be aware of any of the losses or changes coming up… and I don’t want to cry.
I suddenly feel very needy today. I want to be a little kid and not worry about anything, only I’m worried about everything.
Maybe if I get the dogs up-&-at-’em, their craziness will provide a distraction for the time being. I could do mani-pedis and give the little guy the haircut he so desperately needs. Then maybe I can clean out the snake cages I’m hoping to sell before the move… and… I don’t know. Hoping that provides enough distraction and draining to allow this panic to abate.
Now you are seeing the hopeless mess that I can become. I don’t like that you will remember me this way. I don’t like that we are ending on this note. I’d prefer you to think of me as someone who can figure shit out and make it in life (coz someone needs to believe that about me. I certainly don’t)…
I’ve put up walls b/c I need you to be a stranger right now. I need to be able to leave without feeling completely crushed about all the losses. It’s not just you I have walls up around. It’s the house, and the state, and mom, and the dog and cats, and art time with my friend, & everything… I’m only going to allow myself to miss the beach. That is all. Everything else is too raw and too painful.
I still want to ask if it would be ok if I called you once I’m settled again… I was going to ask if I could call you on the anniversary day, but it will end up being the day we leave. I will need to concentrate on driving and hanging with the wife… I hope she knows she will have to do the first leg of the journey, the one that gets us out of the driveway and away from this neighborhood. I’m not sure how to say goodbye to all this…
Maybe the IOP will work out? I’m not getting my hopes up, because I don’t have faith in them billing for copays, but at least I can go to the intake without having to pay anything that day. Then we can go from there. The little kid in me wants to keep seeing you as much as I can before I go, but the other part of me sees the heaviness of the depression and knows I would be better off with more support…
I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I will come out the other side. I always do.
Please don’t actually hate me, just maybe let me think you do for the moment.
She said some things and I wanted to ask what she meant by them, but I couldn’t. And I wasn’t able to really say what I wanted to… shit. This sucks. And now we are done. And that’s it. So this is weird. And I don’t know if I can drive right now, so I’m just sitting in the parking lot. I needed to cry, but I didn’t let myself, and now I can’t because I don’t have tissues in the car, and I need to see if I want to be able to drive… shit. Yeah. This sucks… that went by way too fast.
I ended up going to the beach down the road from her office. It took me a while to settle on actually getting out of the car, but I’m glad I did. I sat for a while and watched the water. I was also able to write out some of what I had wanted to say to her and post it on the blog I had for her. I left a message asking her to read it. Having been able to say more than what I had in session really helped lift the weight. It gave me the goodbye I desperately wanted to be able to express, and it brought closure on my end. I still wish it wasn’t goodbye, but at least it doesn’t feel as awful as it has when I left her office earlier. I’m sure I’ll cry about it again, and it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, but at least this loss had closure.
I know why most therapists will not become friends with clients after termination, but I think I would have liked to hang out with De on that level. J would have been a fun friend also. I know I’m capable of that shift in relationship because I’ve done it before (actually still friends with my first therapist from high school, and we have a balanced friendship), but I also know that this one would have been awkward. I would feel the need to protect her from anything that could ever go wrong. I think today the transference switched from parental to sibling… maybe I’ll bump into her again before I move, maybe not, but I hope she does well in life.
De will be leaving the agency in just under a month. And I leave the state 6 weeks after that. Finding a new therapist is pointless. Whatever. Shit happens, right?