I was telling L tonight how I hated that moment when another falls into my pit, and they also lose all hope. That defeated look haunts me… TM got it 2 sessions ago; that far-away stare that signifies she is at the end of her own resources with me…
L tried to ask if I’d seen it in her. At the moment I couldn’t think of a time, but now I worry I might have missed it.
I made her cry on the phone tonight. I hate that. She tried to tell me it was because she felt sad about how much I’m hurting… I still hate that I caused my wife yet more pain.
This blackness will never end, until it ends me… I just hope it’s soon…
today is not a good day. as manageable as yesterday was, today is wholly intolerable. ended up calling TM but not being able to verbalize what I needed to when she returned my call. so tired of this crazy struggle. wish it just settled. tempted to leave her a message tonight, thank her for helping me, bow out of therapy, and then (so she doesn’t have to listen to it, but so I can get it away from me) vent the contents of the body memories… so tired of all this.
not sure what will help me more: continue the cm marathon, crying (if I could figure out how to allow myself to do it), take something to be able to sleep, call the agency hotline, or… I dunno. something to make things better.
keep trying to remind myself that the bad days come and go just like the better ones… hard to remember at the moment.
wish I could cry…
Sent all but 2 of my geckos to the herp society for re-homing… Should have taken the last 2 also, and the snakes… but… I couldn’t do it today. Maybe another time.
I want to hide away from all human contact… I would say it’s time for heavy drinking, but the thought of tasting anything at all right now is revolting.
As distracted as I was able to get for a good chunk of the day, the night brings with it the return of the depression. My chest is heavy and tight. There’s a definite weight on my heart. I’m tired, but having trouble sleeping. I’m worried about the weekend and anxious for Monday.
I went to the orientation for IOP today. I ended up arriving late because for whatever reason my head was convinced I needed to be there at 1, not 12. I realized my error when my phone alarm went off at the 10-minute mark (in the past, I used to set the notification to 15 or 30 minutes, but I got out of the habit for some reason). I called them asking if being that late was ok, then flew out the door. It ended up being a quick overview of the rules and expectations. It did serve to make me a bit more comfortable. I’m just still lost as to how I will get there. I can take our car on Monday, but will need to arrange other transport after that (too far, too much gas, and L needs the car for work). The place seems ok and the people seem nice. I hope that first impression holds true… and I hope the program is actually helpful. I think some of tonight’s anxiety is a rush to get the first day over with. The chest tightness I’m associating with anxiety, the same with the shortness of breath. I need to dig up my inhaler, but I’m too lazy to move from bed just now. Maybe in a few more minutes?
I find my thoughts continually dipping to the darker side of things. It shadows my entire world even when I’m supposed to be out and distracted. There was a restaurant giving away free food at their grand opening. We went and enjoyed the food, but everything was tainted dark. I tried to focus on the positives (the wrap was really yummy). I repeated over and over again that I was enjoying the time with my wife (which I was) but it was not enough to drown out the whispers. I’m hoping tomorrow will bring more success: we have our second meditation group meeting at the Japanese gardens. I really like the place, but I’ve sucked at the meditation exercises we were supposed to do. I will put more effort into it tomorrow…
This struggle is so tiring. I’m ready for the break.
I got nothing. I’m not sure this is a safe place to write anymore, so nothing may be all there is from now on… I’ll let you know.
I know I’ve blogged about this about a million times recently, but F**K!!!!! I’m trying to get Medicaid, and all I come up against are walls. Again I can’t get through to a live person. I can’t apply through my existing account. Trying to start a new application is so cumbersome!! They need so much information that I just don’t have the energy to keep filling out time and time again. I can’t get someone to help me because I don’t have the benefits to pay for it. I can’t get the benefits without someone helping me sign up for it all… catch 22.
The stupid help I applied for with the local hospital also wants more information. I hate talking on the phone, and I need to try to call them only to tell them I didn’t get any of the money they are saying I got…
Can I hide now?