TL unintentionally gave me an assignment (2 actually) that are kinda impossible not to do, yet they go against every fiber of my being (in a good way).
The first one came about when we were talking about my need to please people and always do what is asked. She said she would be really excited of I came in next week and told her that I didn’t do the assignment and didn’t care that I didn’t do it… I told her not to hold her breath. I could tell her I didn’t do it, but I would be profusely apologetic for not having done it. (This belief causes a lot of anxiety when I don’t follow through on anything and everything I’m told to do and is something she wants me to work on changing, yet I’m not sure I want to change it just now because of the anxiety involved).
The second came about as a way to get me to start changing the core belief that I am always to blame for everything. She wants me to notice (and track when I notice) that I am reacting to something by taking all the blame. My problem is that I don’t want to change this belief right now. It’s useful in the moment, and I’m not ready to give it up without a huge amount of anxiety…
So in my attempt to avoid anxiety, I have to pretty much change both core beliefs to be able to cater to them both. Does that even make sense?
Overall, it’s causing lots of anxiety just thinking about it.
More anxiety is stemming from having asked TL to look into something as I was leaving, and now feeling like I really don’t want her to look into it. My problem is that I can’t leave her vm to cancel her search (if she had not yet found the info) because her vm is full. I can’t tell her about the anxiety. I can’t ask her not to look up that info. I have to just sit with the anxiety and hope I can talk myself down from it, plus there’s the whole other week to wait to address all this plus the stuff that I hadn’t addressed today because we got sidetracked sorta processing last week’s session.
This week is going to suck…
Ever have a day where you feel like shit? You’re thoughts would generally be along the lines of “I feel like shit today” Well, that would likely be your thought if you were not dealing with depression or PTSD or Bipolar or some other fun diagnosis… My thought would go something like “I am shit” and it wouldn’t be limited to today either… My self-esteem has been so low as to even categorize myself as less-than-shit for many years… It’s all in how you formulate your sentence, and the words you chose for it (consciously or unconsciously). You can take the meaning of a negative thought and ascribe it to the day, or to your whole being… It’s like Hiccup’s conversation his mentor in How to Train Your Dragon, only it’s all within myself:
See, now this right here is what I am talking about. If you ever want to get out to fight dragons… you need to stop all… this!
But you just pointed to all of me!
The dissatisfaction with myself can be huge and overwhelming… I think it’s a problem for a lot of people… It’s quite sad. Though I do not know what is worse: being dissatisfied with yourself and hating your core; or having everyone else be dissatisfied with you for who you are.
I read a post on a forum today where a woman asked if PTSD was commonly treated by advocating for a complete change in person: changing name and “killing” the person you once were… I have not heard of it as a treatment for PTSD, but I can see it as a way to cope with hating yourself as a result of the trauma. This person was one who had been deployed several times. I am guessing he participated in some acts that went so against his image of himself, that he felt the need to obliterate that person… I think I could see needing to completely change if I had killed innocent people, or participated in a war… It goes so against who I see myself being that I don’t think I could reconcile that with the actuality of having done it. While I would be more likely to make a less conscious split (ie: fall headlong into DID) than to consciously legally change my name and act like someone else, I could see it happening. When you see yourself as something so fundamentally different from the reality of the situation, I can’t imagine having to know that and live with it every day… I’m actually a bit surprised more veterans don’t come away with a DID diagnosis or go ahead and change their identity all together… but then again, I would never volunteer for “service”…