Tag Archives: can’t concentrate

So. Restless. Today. 

Nothing is keeping my attention. I start to write, then I get distracted or bored. Can’t pay attention to TV or music or art or anything.

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defenses gone awry

I had started consciously distancing myself from my self-destructive thoughts maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago? It was very much on purpose, in an effort to respond to stress differently and not land myself in the hospital. This started as a good thing. It was helpful. I kept reminding myself that I needed to change my reactions to change the outcome. Great. Makes sense.

Only somewhere along the way, I lost control of it all.

While it started as something deliberate and beneficial, it has turned frustrating. I’m not connecting to anything on an emotional level. It feels very much like watching a bad b-movie from the main character’s perspective… Only I think movie characters have a better sense of connection than I do. It feels like nothing really transfers to longer-term memory. Everything feels far away both spatially and temporally. I met with TM today. I know I was physically there, but I was watching from a dark room somewhere in the back of my head. It wasn’t even a rough session. We went over the “positives” timeline. I told her stories around the listed events. I fleshed out the positive parts of my life. It was good to have that reminder, but I felt like I was reciting someone else’s life. I don’t recognize it as my own. I don’t recognize the session as an experience I had…

I’m not sure I’m explaining this well. It’s difficult enough to grasp, let alone explain.

I know I also met up with a friend for lunch afterwards. I know we met because I have a receipt from the restaurant. I have a vague sense of having spoken to him today, but again, it’s from a great distance and with no emotional connection.

It all feels like a dream. It all fades as fast as dreams do the longer you are “awake”…

I try to ground myself. I try to be mindful of the moment, and draw in the experience – will myself to remember it. It all feels so very far away though. I try to write about it, but pretty much the instant the moment is over, I’ve lost touch with it. If I’m not writing in the moment, it’s mostly gone in an hour or less.

I had written something to TM after last week’s session. At the time I wrote it, I instructed myself to print it out and give it to her this week. I wrote that I knew I would lose the connection to it and no longer understand why it was I wanted to give it to her. I titled it “Print this out and give to TM on Tuesday”… and yet I failed to give it to her. Once in the office, I worried that I would not know how to answer any questions she may have about what I had written. I didn’t relate to any of it anymore, so I wouldn’t be able to explain it… It’s still in my bag. I never gave it to her; never even hinted at having written anything. I wrote a bit again today, and did similar instructions to myself. Maybe I will manage to give it to her next week.

I think I left her a message today asking to find a way to effectively ground from this. It too feels like a dream, but there is a call to her number later in the day, so I must have followed through on it.

This was a decent defense-mechanism in theory, but it has gotten way out of hand. I need help reigning it back in. I have started and stopped to reach out for more help around it a bunch of times lately, but I always forget why it was I tried to call someone or write a post. It doesn’t make sense to me, or I forget what I was going to ask, so I hang up, or delete the post. I feel like my trains of thought de-rail quickly and easily. I get distracted at the slightest thing. Sometimes I can recognize it as that push to keep stress at bay, but other times I don’t notice the effort. I need to be able to make it a conscious and deliberate thing again.


Wet cement

I feel like my brain has shut off. It feels heavy like wet cement. I can’t concentrate on anything or hold a conversation for more than a few sentences. It’s jello, but I’m not sure why… maybe the lack of quality sleep is catching up to me?


running from myself

I feel like I’m running from myself today. I’d bouncing back and forth amongst coping skills and busy-activities in hopes of staving off the intensity of flashbacks threatening to overwhelm me. I really hate this time of month. It triggers on way too many levels.

I’m too distracted to do any one thing for very long. I think 5 minutes would be an overstatement of my ability to follow any one task.

If I had some cash, I would feel better about leaving the house. As it is, I barely have enough to get myself much gas for the rest of the month, forget anything extra. The lottery jackpot is huge tonight, but I am having trouble justifying digging through the piggy bank for even one ticket cost. It would be awesome if I won, but the likelihood of that is pretty slim… so do I waste the $2 on a ticket? or do I save that for my traditional cup of coffee before therapy next week?

Trying to be mindful of the moment and not let my anxiety run amuck. Right now, my fear of what the flashbacks bring is greater than the intensity of the actual ones I am experiencing. My impulses are battling it out with my intellect. Part of me is responding in the old, impulsive, over-blown way, while another part is trying to kick in the newer learning and composure. I was telling TM yesterday that I know I should be responding better to all this, and that’s what I am trying to do. The truth is that I do know how to respond differently, it just takes much more work and energy. Right now, I have what it takes to put in that effort (even if it means re-directing myself a million and one times an hour). It’s exhausting though, so I need to figure out how to breathe through this.

Ok. What to do today to help center? I need gas for the car. Then I can either go to the beach or grab a lottery ticket while out getting gas… beach would be better because gas by the beach is cheaper. Good, that’s one thing. Get gas and go to the beach. Then what? Um… Maybe do some art? art would be good. Ok, so get gas, go to beach, do some art… then…? Um… yeah… sure. that.

You ever catch yourself wanting to call a friend to hang, then talk yourself out of it before you get past that first thought because a million and one reasons pop into your head about why they wouldn’t want to get together (the first of which always seems to be “why in the world would they even want to consider hanging with me?!”)?

I could make candles, but then the thought of how nice the hot wax would feel on my skin floats through my head. Ugh. No. Old coping… need to focus on new coping. Make candles to sell? Or decopage the candle holders to make them prettier? Or finally do something with all the beer bottles I’ve collected this past year? I could try the string soaked in rubbing alcohol to cut the top off the bottles, then make then into glasses or candle holders…

Need to stop this anxious running feeling. Maybe going to an actual run? ok, who am I kidding, how about a brisk walk?

I dunno. Maybe pull out art journal stuff and do something in that?

I should clean the reptile room.

Or maybe I’ll just sit here till some of the anxiety subsides so I can focus on one thing.

Brain, please just shut up and calm down.


restless

I can’t pay attention to anything today. I’m not interested in anything (even Criminal Minds ::gasp!::).

My panic hit high early on in the morning. I started feeling trapped, but nothing felt like something I could do. I was frantically pacing, but only in my head (if you were to look at me though, you would have had no idea how incredibly anxious I was). I finally convinced myself to go out to the book store. I grabbed a coffee, but didn’t sit there long enough to finish it. I then tried shopping at least for necessities, but I got very bored very fast. I didn’t want to be anywhere. I rushed through the grocery store and missed picking up just about everything…

I got home, but then was bored super-fast. I didn’t want to go out, but I didn’t want to be in the house either. Needed to finish TL’s painting (well, needed to frame it properly). Ran out to grab some more stuff, but I don’t have the patience to finish it properly. I was hoping to get the piece to TL tomorrow, but it’s not looking good at this moment…

Still can’t pay attention to anything. My head is starting to hurt. I still don’t want to pay attention to anything. Haven’t been able to follow this CM episode. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing well with this blog post.

Tomorrow’s going to be a full day. I see TL in early afternoon, help my friend pack more, then head over to the journal class. I hope tomorrow’s more settled than today. I hope my anxiety isn’t as high… and I hope I can figure out what the heck to do with TL’s painting. I want to frame it properly and give it to her, but I’m not sure it will be done in time. I definitely want it out of the house. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to give it to her earlier today. I don’t know why I didn’t want to give it to her, but I suddenly thought it was very stupid. I was guessing she would hate it. I still think she will hate it, or refuse it. I’m not sure why, but I do… :/

My head is such a mess, and mom keeps asking how I’m doing. I don’t know how to tell her the extent of the mess (or anyone really). I’m not sure I want to tell anyone the extent of it. It’s hard to describe when I don’t even fully know what’s going on or how bad it is. I just know my head feels like a mixture of cement and cotton, and I’m really tired.

This episode is almost over. Think I’m calling it an early night. Earliest night in the past month…