about me

I feel like I should write something about myself here, but I am at a loss as to what to say.  I’ve been caught in this forever, with the exception of a few years here and there… My last episode of self-injury was August 2011.  My last hospitalization ended in September 2011…  I have a background in Psychology and Social Work.  I followed that path because of my own struggles.  I have experience from both sides of the chair (desk, table… wall).  I struggle with experiences from both sides.  I struggle to give my clients and those I work with the best care possible while maintaining the best life I can at any given moment…  I plan to go back for my doctorate in clinical psychology, but that will have to wait for now.  My goal for this blog is to help mainly myself, but if it touches anyone else along the way, all the better.  (For a more complete intro, please see my first blog entry).

UPDATE (June 2015): I have been out of the field for going on 3 years. At the end of 2012, I moved back to a childhood home. I expected a measure of upheaval because all moves are stressful. Little did I realize that the environment would be so incredibly triggering. Any progress I had made in moving away, going to university, and growing a life seems to have eroded. My ptsd kicked into high gear. I have experienced flashbacks (physical, emotional, and cognitive) almost daily with very little respite. I’ve finally started to address the content of the flashbacks though, so I guess it’s been a positive experience in some ways. I have not been able to work in any capacity because of the increase in symptoms. I had two additional inpatient hospital experiences and resumed self harming for a period of time. I have yet to find any stability in terms of treatment. The limited community resources afforded in this part of the country have meant switching therapists every 4 months or so. Any sign of decompensation had also meant a switch in therapists because the agencies I’ve used for services have strict rules around a clients’ emotional state (among other things) when engaging in therapy. That has resulted in having 4 therapists over the span of 2 years. Lots of heavy work has been started, but very little has actually been accomplished with it. The constant switching is wearing me thin. While I’m about to return to my adult home region, I question my resolve to continue therapy. I certainly still need it on so many levels, but I’m tired. Trust is hard. Having to say goodbye is hard. Having to do it 3 times in less than a year has me cringing at the thought of starting the whole process yet again next month.

Being out of the professional realm for so long, I’m also finding it more difficult to connect to that professional side of myself. I’m more and more “lost” in the realm of client, and I have difficulty articulating (or even accessing) my competencies. It’s frustrating. My previous successes feel like those of a stranger, all of it a lifetime ago. I often feel like a fake. I question how anyone could have let me pass a class let alone graduate with a degree and work in the field. This is often reflected in my writing these days. Apologies…

Anyway, I hope if you end up reading any of this blog, that it is at least useful or helpful in some way. I know I whine a lot lately. Sorry. Hopefully that will change after this move.

**A Note: all images used on this blog are my own, unless otherwise noted.  Please do not use any of them without permission and credit. thanks. SJ**

**Another note: I am beyond honored to be recognized with blogging awards, however I find it very difficult to keep up with the expectations.  I love to hear that anyone appreciates my blog, but please do not be offended if I do not post the award or follow-through with other nominations.  There are days where I would likely be up for the challenge of narrowing down my choices for further awards, but I feel it would be unfair to not be consistent with my commitment.  I still struggle with motivation and energy much of the time.  I would feel awful not recognizing others and not living up to the duties of being an award recipient, so I choose not to keep up with it.  If you enjoy my blog, please let me know. Heck, let me know if you hate it too (maybe I’m being a jerk and need a reality check).  I always welcome feedback of almost any sort (just nothing mean for the sake of being mean).  I’m continually amazed that anyone actually reads my blog.  That is “award” enough for me.  Peace, SJ