Daily Archives: January 5, 2018

It feels weird; like part of me is still living back in the space that had me hospitalized so often. I get these little glimpses of remembering being in the hospital, and it feels so real in that flash of a moment. The other times, it feels like I’m living in both times at once, only I’m separated from the past by this frosted window. I know the gist of what’s happening, and i can kinda feel it, but it’s distant and away at the same time. It’s almost like knowing and faintly hearing someone watch a movie in the next room; i can hear it, i know the movie enough to mostly know what’s happening moment to moment, but it’s still something I’m not directly experiencing in the moment. The flashes of memory are like walking through the room for a moment and catching parts of it as I pass the tv. I’m not totally paying attention, but I notice it…

Yeah… kinda like that…

I’ve been remembering the various hospitalizations since Wednesday when Dr C brought up the drawing I left with her a few weeks ago… it’s not all restricted to the content of the drawing; its just all of the experiences mashed together. It’s not linear. It doesn’t really make linear sense, but it’s all memories of those times…

L had an unusually late chemo today, and there were a few times i really had to work to ground myself. I kept panicking that i was there because i was locked up, not because i was supporting L through chemo… being the only ones in the room, and it having gotten dark intensified the fears. 

Psych hospitalizations are really dehumanizing. It didn’t matter that you likely already feel like crap; the process and experience make it all that much worse… 

I dunno… 

I hate when all of this comes up when i can’t actually process it for several days. I don’t know what to do with it. It pulls me in, even when i don’t want it to. I know I’ve been distant and spacey a lot today. I’ve been having a lot of trouble seperation from the memories. My brain is living in both times at once, and it’s distracting (even if i feel like I’m mostly in the present, it’s difficult to concentrate when the past is so “there” but indecipherable…).

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