Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. Losing Chow has been difficult to adjust to. I’ve been withdrawing into myself, yet, paradoxically, throwing myself into things outside the home. It sounds contradictory, I know. 

I’ve been burying the emotional part of me behind a bombardment of stimuli and activities. There’s rarely a moment when I’m not desperately distracting myself.  I’ve not been doing much by way of art or writing though. It’s been mostly “mindless” stuff, like going to dinner with friends (and avoiding anything other than surface conversation), taking the dogs to the park, that kind of stuff. 

I’ve even avoided taking much in therapy. At least, I have up to now. Today’s session might be different. I’ve started attending a group Dr C put together for adult survivors of [mumble, mumble, mumble]… I still cringe and have a small freak-out moment when I hear the title… we’ve met twice so far. The first one was mostly intros and basic group guidelines. The second one was a bit more topic-oriented around explaining PTSD, the symptoms, and how early abuse plays into it. I was ok for the psychoeducational piece of the group, but struggled to stay present when it turned more into talking about the effects on a personal level. 

I think part of my problem with that comes from the walls I’ve put up around the abuse “memories”. I know I was totally convinced at one point that what I was feeling and experiencing were true, but I’ve detached from that the last several weeks. This last group started stirring things below the surface but they still remain below the surface. 

I dunno. On the one hand, it’s a huge relief to have people that seem to struggle with similar symptoms and experiences. On the other hand, I feel like an interloper. They all seem to know what happened to them, and to connect with it. I’m here still trying to remember what the hell it was that came at me in those flashbacks. I know I struggled a lot with them, but they feel foreign to me at this time. It’s like I watched a movie a long time ago, and can kinda remember the plot, but have no idea of the details. And i’m certainly not connecting to it emotionally…


2 responses to “

  • alicewithptsd

    I really know that feeling of watching a movie a long time ago and sort of remembering the plot but not the exact story…..when I’m in that dissociated flashbacky not here/here state and the memories feel so real, I can feel it all and remember things clearly, even though the present feels foggy. But then, after that, when I’m back to a more grown up state, I struggle to even remember. It’s like I forget what I forgot. 😕 No matter what your memories are or aren’t, or how clear or unclear they are, you have a right to be in the group. I hope that overtime, you feel more comfortable being there. Xx

    • Samantha Jane

      Thank you.
      It’s such a disconcerting feeling, at least for me… there is some stuff it happens with, but I believe because my wife tells me it’s true, but this other stuff… there’s just no one to corroborate it with.
      How do you deal with forgetting what you forgot? Is there anything that helps in any way? I don’t think I’ll ever get to know for sure what the truth is around it, but maybe just finding a way to be ok with things feeling like a movie would help? I dunno… it’s such a weird feeling

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