I’ve decided that I want to talk to my gyn a bit more about my history. She’s seen the aftermath, I figure she might benefit from hearing the original story (though not necessarily specific details).
Granted, I’m struggling with the selfishness of telling her (it’s really only so I can talk to someone other than Dr C about it. I trust Dr F, and she’s still bound by confidentiality), but I hope maybe it will help her understanding of any other patients that might present like I did. I know I scared and shocked her when I presented to her after self harming in an attempt to rid myself of body memories. I can still hear the panic in her voice, and see the expression on her face as she suddenly felt helpless to fix things (I’m guessing she’s not used to feeling helpless regardless of the emergency). I don’t remember much else about that day, but I remember her panic being palpable in that moment before her mask slipped back into place. I never meant to traumatize people, I was just trying to escape hell.
Anyway, I see Dr F again next week. I’m going to attempt to talk to her at that time. I’m going to write down what I want to tell her. I hope that will provide something for her to at least read if I chicken out again. I really want to be able to share this story even though I don’t always believe it myself… now, to put my thoughts in coherent order so I can express them to Dr F.