Emdr today

It was so close…

We started late because we took some time to find a target. Then it took me a while to get into it. Finally I did, but we were out of time. 

There was something there, just starting to form into more than emotions, but the next client was waiting. She offered some time after that client, but I didn’t think I’d get back into it. About 10 minutes after I left her office though, the nagging feeling got stronger, like it was something that I’d miss addressing if I didn’t go back. I text her with my change of heart. 

When we met up again, she asked what changed my mind. I wasn’t sure how to describe it, but it was something along the lines of someone whispering that I’d miss my chance if I didn’t go back… unfortunately, it wasn’t something I was able to get back into once we started the emdr back up… it was like a quiet, brooding teenager had a glimmer of contact, but she shut down after the interruption. Parts of it came back a bit, but not necessarily in the way it had before. 

We did some more emdr for about another 20 minutes, then I just shut down all avenues into the emotion. I know I was in control of it at some level, but it felt out of conscious control. I started dissociating during it, so we wrapped up… I described it like a reaction to touching a hot stove; there was a recoil, but then there was a refusal to even go near the kitchen again… I guess that was my unconscious way of communicating I’d had enough for the day. 

I know we talked about high school a bit after the emdr. I told her about my experiences with reaching out, and how they were shut down by the first person I opened up to, then later encouraged by someone else… that part that came up during emdr kinda just spoke freely for a while. I remembered bits and pieces of what it was like to reach out and then to be shut down again by my dad. I remembered how it was easier to just keep talking to my guidance counselor because he couldn’t stop me from seeing her while I was in school… 

I dunno… it was productive but not in the way I expected it to be. I still feel weird, kinda dissociated to that high school space. I know the things I recounted actually happened, but even they feel really far away and unreal. 

She seems to think it might be liberating to talk to my old guidance counselor about what I think I remember… I’m not sure. It’s potentially really damaging to people, so I don’t want to talk about it with someone not bound by confidentiality, but at the same time, I kinda wish I could talk about it with her or with JF (one of my first therapists)… at least I’m still in contact with my old guidance counselor, so the potential of that is greater than the possibility of ever talking to JF about it, but… I’m really torn about it all. I wouldn’t know how to bring it up, or even if she’d feel comfortable talking about it. I know I’d probably dissociate and get stuck. I’m not sure if she’d take that moment to run away, or if she’d hang to chat… it’s hard to get past the internal censor though. As much as I wish I could talk to her about it, I’m not sure I actually could bring myself to do it… :/

At least writing this helped me ground some more… sorry if it doesn’t make any sense. 

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