Woke up at 1:30am after going to sleep at 10:30… I feel wide awake, but because I feel “gross”… I want to pop out of bed to take a shower. I want to scrub my skin till it feels clean, and shave my hair off because it feels dirty… I’m not quite sure why I feel this way right now. Maybe it’s the body sensations that just won’t leave…
I can feel what was done to me, and it makes me feel dirty. It’s melding memories with dream scenarios. I’m not really doing it on purpose, but the sensations from the memories are being embellished by story lines. The narrative is changing from something really disturbing to something a bit easier to handle… I’m not sure I’m explaining that correctly. It’s like I’m laying another track over the original sensations, one that tells a different story and makes it all more acceptable (the body sensations might be from the past, but I’m “picturing” them in relation to something more acceptable, like an appropriate adult situation, and not the inappropriate situations they actually belong to). It’s not totally a conscious thing. I think it started out that way at one time, but tonight it feels more like an attempt at averting disaster while Dr C is on vacation (I don’t want to have to deal with increasing flashbacks and memories without her to help process it all). It’s a weird feeling knowing that the sensations belong to something other than the story I’m currently telling myself, and knowing that i’m able to lessen the impact of the memories this way, but not totally sure how I’m managing it. It’s in my control, but it’s not. The protective part of me is in charge of this, and I feel like I’m letting someone else control the pedals while I’m in the driver seat… also not an accurate description , but I’m not sure how to really explain it. It’s like a semi-aware dissociation? I dunno… it’s weird. It’s new, but it’s also kinda ok.
I’m wide fucking awake. It’s 2:34 and there’s no hint of me being sleepy. I’m bored, but don’t really want to sleep. No, that’s not accurate. I do want to sleep, but my brain is wide awake. I’m tired both emotionally and physically, but my brain just won’t shut down. It feels like i’m running from something, like i’m craving distraction to avoid the inevitable… it’s a feeling I’m recognizing as a precursor to being terrified of going to sleep.
I know this isn’t making much sense. I’m not sure how to describe what’s going on. Maybe in the morning I’ll be better able to express myself? I dunno. I’m really fighting the urge to jump in the shower right now… though if it would help me sleep, I’m not sure why I’m fighting it.