Anniversary looming

This anniversary is kicking my ass… I’m ok at times, then I’m a hot mess at others. 

I want to cry. I want to shred myself… 

I want to drown my head out. 

I’ve had the better part of a 16oz beer with a high alcohol content. As much as I want to throw up from the heaviness of the beer, I’m loving the spin happening in my head. While it doesn’t kill the agony, it dulls it to a tolerable level… 

I know Dr C wants me not to dissociate from this hurt, but I’m not sure I want the same thing she does. Yeah, it’s progress to sit with it all, but it’s also progress simply to be “free” and functioning. I’m battling the urge to simply off myself pretty much daily. I know I’m going to win that battle, but it’s hard on a day to day basis…

I keep telling Dr C, L, and myself that I will be ok at the end of this anniversary. Part of me knows that’s true. And part of me also “knows” that won’t be true. It’s the part of me that’s still stuck in the trauma… it’s the part of me that “knows” death would bring peace finally. I know it’s wrong though. I know that it may bring peace for me, but it would also push the pain to someone else. 

I’m so tired of the struggle. I’m tired of the cycle. I’m tired of fighting for my quality of life…

I think I’m going to take Dr C up on the concept of seeing an interim therapist. I think I’ve seen her before, but I was pretty dissociative at the time, so I don’t remember much of it. I know L saw her briefly, but she wasn’t directive enough. That works well for me. I don’t think Dr C has talked to her yet, but I’m really hoping she will figure it out before she goes away…

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