After last session, I wrote to Dr C… well, I wrote a reaction as if I was writing to her. She hasn’t actually seen it yet.
Anyway, in the reaction, I disclosed some embarrassing/shameful/disgusting stuff… and now I feel like she thinks I’m a horrible person who she never wants to see or hear from again.
It doesn’t seem to matter that I know she doesn’t know this info yet. It feels like she would know it simply because I wrote it in the form of a letter to her. It feels like, because it’s now on paper and it was written intention of informing her, it has somehow psychically made its way to her brain. She surely knows, has suspected it all along, and knows I’m scum.
It’s similar to the fear I had that the person I think abused me somehow knew I was saying those things after I told Dr C; that somehow merely saying the words released the knowledge into the universe and it made its way to the person I was talking/thinking about…
My rational brain knows this is not possible. My rational brain understands that there’s no way either of them could know what I was thinking… yet the fear is there. The discomfort and anxiety is there.
Do you ever catch yourself in anxious trains of thought that you know can’t possibly happen, but you fear them anyway? It feels like such a little kid fear…
I’m trying to think of what any of my therapists would have said about it. De comes to mind. She would always tell me to be gentle with the kid side; acknowledge what s/he is trying to communicate, and offer comfort. Maybe the kid just needs a hug and to be reminded that Dr C hasn’t hated us yet, I doubt she’ll start now (even if I hate myself for what I’ve finally admitted to in detail).