Confused by my reaction

I talked briefly with Dr C on Wednesday about my anxiety over her vacation… we talked a bit more about it as a group on Thursday…

I’m still taken aback by my reaction. I’m not falling apart. I don’t feel this desperate need to talk to her (it’s happened in the past, with several of my therapists when they took vacation that happened to fall during a vulnerable time for me). I don’t know why it’s suddenly worrisome that she will be away for two weeks. I thought I was in a better place. I was fine when she left for vacation over the summer (though it might have only been a week)… I keep reminding myself I’m doing well. I remind myself that she has every right to a vacation. I remind myself I did fine the last time she was away… yet the little voice in the back of my head echos with whimpering and tears. I dunno…

Sure, I’m a bit stressed with my recent change in schedule, but it’s a positive stress. The paychecks (as minimal as they are) bring so much relief. It gives me something to do that also has me feeling successful and competent. It’s a really good thing, yet it’s still throwing me off-balance ever so slightly. I guess it’s easier to muddle through that when I can touch base with Dr C during the week.

This next two weeks, I will try to find connection through working on my art journal. She had shown me some “mini squares” she has been doing lately. I think I want to try that. I kept meaning to draw the grid into my journal, but I couldn’t find a ruler (not that I looked very hard). I know I’ll get around to it, I just have to find the energy. They are fairly easy she says, since there isn’t the commitment of a large spread in one technique or style. She does hers without much thought to cohesive order or meaning. I hope I can pull off something similar… I just have to find that damn ruler.

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