It was a good weekend

It was a good weekend 🙂

There was a snow storm, but we only got about 5″. The dogs enjoyed playing in the snow. L’s boss got them out on time Saturday night so they could travel safely.

Sunday L and I actually finally got around to starting a joint art project. We ended up doing half and half of a large canvas. The original idea was “you do something, then I do something, then you do something…” but we got distracted with our “sides” and just kept going. It’s still a work in progress, but I like what we have so far.

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It was really nice being able to do something creative together.

We also spent some time watching our newest series obsession: nurse Jackie. We got into it last weekend when hulu had a showtime special for the weekend. Now we binge-watch as we can. There was one scene though that was pretty triggering (and relatively out of nowhere). Jackie and her husband get into an arguement while driving somewhere. He gets mad, pulls the car over, and gets out. In my head, it replayed a memory of one of the many fights my parents would get into, only instead of the husband getting out and walking away, I remembered my dad screaming at my mom and pulling her from the car. I expected the husband character to start pounding on the car as my dad would have. I expected the kids to panic and fear for their mom’s life as I would have…
It wasn’t a flashback, as much as just an intrusive memory coupled with strong emotions. Even thinking about it now enough to write it, I feel the fear in my chest…

I had meant to talk about it a bit with Dr C today, but we chatted about other things instead (like employment plans and art techniques and the dog). Part of me wants to jump back into the working world with both feet. Dr C reminded me that it’s ok to take things slow. I have this comfort/disgust relationship with being on disability. It’s nice to know I have a safety net, but I also feel useless and worthless. We talked about being on disability, and Dr C pointed out that I am on it for good reason: my mental health deteriorated so badly in the past that my condition was very close to being lethal at the time. It really was/can be a life-or-death thing with me. Sadly (or not?), I have no connection to that state of mind if I’m not in it. Dr C reminded me that it is common with dissociative disorders… I just want it under control enough to get back to being productive again.

Another thing giving me pause about trying to get back to the working world full-force is the panic I felt when Dr C mentioned she will be away for 2 weeks starting the end of this week… I’m not sure why it’s such a scary thought, but it really is. We scheduled a second appointment for this week because of it. Hopefully I can be open with her about my panic. I’m sure it’s just an anxiety reaction, but… :/ I think I might cry.

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