Back to emdr

During Monday’s session, I talked about feeling like I was running from something; something terrifying. I had no real concept of what it was, just that I’ve been running from it for the past several weeks. She asked if I wanted to do emdr around it.

Sure. It’s helped before, why not?

Only this time, it was an amorphous, looming feeling I was working on, not any tangible or comprehensive memory.

It took me a while to get started on it. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to “go there”. I didn’t really know where “there” was, only that it terrified me and made me want to run away crying.

She was good about it though. She gave me permission to back off and do a lighter session instead. I fought with myself for what felt like an eternity. We ended up going through with it.

It was different this time. Not having a cognitive memory to go with made it both more difficult and a bit easier at the same time. I found myself putting more effort into the few sentences I was able to mutter to her during the process. I was more open to admitting that I wanted to destroy my body because of what I was feeling. It alternated with intensified body memories… and all of that went back to feeling like I shouldn’t be lying…

This session didn’t make as huge of a difference immediately, especially compared to say, the spider phobia session, but the terrified feeling isn’t as strong. It’s certainly brought up more stuff to process (well, more emotions that I have not felt since the move), but it has also maybe had a dampening effect on the intensity of it all…

Group was right after the emdr session, and I’m glad there was more time to just sit in a safe place for a while longer…

I’m not sure how I feel tonight. Body memories are back and constant for the first time since the move, but they also don’t bother me as much. We specifically worked on my desire to destroy my body in an effort to stop feeling them, so the desire to cut and smash my body to pieces isn’t as compelling tonight despite the intensity of the body memories…

Long story short: emdr can totally be worth it (easily more helpful for all of this than dbt. While it’s triggering in its own right, I find I can handle the triggering after emdr way better than after dbt)…

Tonight I’m just left with a weight in my chest and a nagging desire (but inability) to cry. At least I don’t feel like i’m a constant fuck-up like dbt had me feeling.


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