I need a nap

Therapy today was emotionally intense. I dissociated almost immediately when talking about the past…

I’m finding I need to assert that it’s all fake before I can stomach talking about it.

Dr C mentioned the dissociation a few times, but it was safer that way. She suggested I hang out after session and work on grounding. I agreed to sit in the car and listen to music for a while. I know I wasn’t totally back at the point I left, but I was getting antsy sitting there.

Once I got home, I could barely keep my eyes open. I pictured curling up with L in bed and feeling safe. I turned on Netflix and promptly fell asleep.
When I awoke, everything inside was calm and relaxed. I was grounded and present. It’s incredible how exhausting therapy and dissociation can be…

I don’t recall all the specifics of what we talked about in session, but I know we touched on the domestic violence, my previous eating disorders, and a bit about the abuse…

I so want to be through all this. I’m tired of struggling with the memories and after-effects.

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10 responses to “I need a nap

  • Sirena

    You seem to be doing well with this therapist, what do you think?

    • Samantha Jane

      I like her a lot. I had her before I moved back down south. She was literally a life-saver at the time. She knows me pretty well, and we seem to trust each other. It helps a lot… she also has a ton of trauma experience. I didn’t progress much in therapy after college till I stated working with her. She changed my diagnosis from bpd to ptsd and it made all the difference in finding stability…
      Sorry, I’m sure that’s more than you were asking, lol.

      • Sirena

        No, I’m really interested actually. I wondered about how you’ve both changed in the interim, have the dynamics changed any? Did you just fall back into the same pattern of relating or does it seem different? I’m really nosy and intrigued lol

      • Samantha Jane

        It’s a bit different. I’m not totally sure how *she* has changed, but I’m in a very different place. I’m more assertive and vocal about what works or doesn’t work (even if that means wiring it between sessions and reading it to her next time)… it’s taken a bit, but we have clicked again. She’s good about having enough compassion to make up for all the self-compassion I lack. She’s also really understanding. She gets the trauma and attachment piece. I’m glad she gets the attachment piece. And she’s very accepting of helping with figuring out what I need and how to get it… I was biding time and trading water least time I was in therapy with her. This time I’m more ready to work (and she’s ready to bring it).

      • Sirena

        Has she said if she’s noticed a difference in you? I’m really glad you’ve found her again.

      • Samantha Jane

        I’m glad I reconnected also. It’s a bit weird sometimes when I remember that she’s seen me at my lowest point and is still willing to take me on again. But it’s a good thing too. I’m not used to people seeing the broken and being ok with it. L and Dr C are the only 2…

      • Sirena

        I’d be very reassured that she’s seen it all and still takes you back on. That would be comforting to me.

      • Samantha Jane

        It definitely is. Though at times my old fear creeps up and causes worry that she will get frustrated with me or get sick of me. We talk about it often though, and she still reassures me that she won’t get sick of me. She says she’s never discharged a client from her services because she’s sick of them. I hope I don’t break that streak for her… though from what I’ve seen, she’s all about working through things and meeting clients where they are at. She seems (and has been) steady and safe. It’s quite comforting. ❤

      • Sirena

        I think you both have a good measure of each other. She’s not going to get sick of you. She didn’t get sick of you when you before you left the first time around, and you were less ready to do the work back then than you are now. And knowing how much you weren’t ready back then, she still took you on this time- she is safe, don’t sweat it 😉

  • myblackspotblog

    Thank you for sharing this. It echoes a lot of what I experience with my therapist too. It is really hard feeling so attached to someone who isn’t a part of your ‘real’ life, but so holding too. And I dissociate in a very similar way. It is good to read about other people experiencing that, as it isn’t talked about much.

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