Therapy yesterday was a mess on my end. I couldn’t get my internal censors to back off enough to let me find a way to communicate the things going on in my head.
There was so much bubbling around before I even got there, but it all fizzled away on the walk between my car and the building (that whole 15 steps I had to take)… I kept wanting to cry, only I never made it past the point where tears well up a bit.
She was patient though, and really nice as I sat there and mentally kicked myself for not being able to speak.
I hate wasting sessions like that. It’s exhausting and frustrating when I can’t get out of my own way long enough to communicate what comes up. It all felt like I was trying to describe a dream. The harder I tried to grasp and express what came up, the faster it slipped away. There was a moment of wanting to cry, but fearing too much would come spilling out of my lips (all of which was subconscious stuff. I wasn’t sure exactly what would come tumbling out, but knew there are specific things just out of my conscious awareness that threatened to speak through the tears). There was another moment (after I was done explaining to Dr C that part of me very much felt/feared my dad’s presence despite knowing he is on the other end of the continent) where a very graphic picture of someone (a version of myself I’m assuming) bloodied and skin-less is running up to Dr C to talk to her. She wanted comfort… it was all like a waking dream. It flashed into my awareness, then receded. The harder I tried to find words or courage to describe it, the faster it slipped away, and the further I withdrew into myself. I think out of the whole 50 minutes, I spoke maybe for 15. The rest of the time was spent trying to find words or getting lost inside myself.
It left me mostly silent and isolating the rest of the day. I slept when I got home. I would do something similar today if I had a chance, but I have to go to work now. It feels as if there’s a padlock on my voice box. I just want to hide away in bed where it’s safe… Wish me luck for a quiet and slow day without any mystery shops (I hate those calls)…