Don’t want to sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m scared of my dreams. I don’t remember them though, so maybe it’s not them. There’s just this fear of closing my eyes and sleeping, like something bad will happen. It’s not as intense as last year when I was terrified to go to bed after dark, but it’s anxiety provoking. We sleep on the couch because we still have not fixed the bed. I can’t be terrified of heading to the bedroom because it’s simply a matter of laying down on the couch. But I’m scared to close my eyes. My body is anticipating things. I don’t want to sleep. It’s ok to sleep during the day, but after dark it’s scary…

I can’t take benadryl to help because I have to work again tomorrow. The anxiety just keeps rising… it’s too late to text Dr C, and L is sleeping.

I wish the memories didn’t revisit me. I wish I could figure out how to put them away and leave them there. But Wednesday stirred stuff up that never settled back down. Everything that couldn’t find its way to my lips has found its way into my body… is it Monday yet?


7 responses to “Don’t want to sleep

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