A really good imagination

In group on Tuesday, Dr C opened up the door for me to be able to talk a bit more about the things I’m struggling with. I spoke about believing these new memories. At one point, I mentioned having a really vivid imagination, and suggested that these memories were just some elaborate story I had made up. She countered with the concept that my really vivid imagination was perhaps helping me believe they were not true :/

I dunno…

I think I need the “out” not necessarily believing myself just yet provides. It’s so much harder to believe when the triggers are not as “in my face” as they had been before the move. From a distance, it all feels fake. There’s physical and emotional distance right now (except when it comes back to haunt me).

L and I have hit a few bumps around my lack of desire to engage in anything remotely sexual. I keep getting stuck on how to convey that it’s not related to her in the least. She’s just caught in the after effects of remembering past events. She told me that she doesn’t even really know what happened, just that some people have hurt me over the years. I tried to explain at least the Duckboy stuff but the words got caught in my throat. I couldn’t use the labels my therapists had given it. I couldn’t force even mild descriptive words past my lips… I started getting lost in my head again. I’m not really sure how the conversation ended. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her, but I get stuck in the process of it.

I had told Dr C about not knowing how to let L in more around any of this. She suggested either doing a joint session with L and her therapist, or bringing her in to talk to Dr C. I’m not sure what would work better. I’m not even sure what I would be comfortable speaking about since most of this stuff is left so unprocessed yet… I guess we (L & I) will figure it out at some point. In the mean time, I hope I can find ways to communicate with her. How do you explain to someone that any touch (even the safest and wanted kind) can sometimes trip the switch in your head that releases a flood of unwanted memories? It doesn’t always happen, but I worry when it does. Suddenly having sex with my wife is no longer sex with her; it’s being forced into sex with someone else. Even when I work hard to ground from it, the memories keep taking over… it’s anxiety inducing… It’s also a killer to our sex life.

Maybe that’s how I know it’s true? Maybe the interruption of happy moments with these scary ones means they happened and I just forgot? Maybe it’s more than just a story if I can’t get through intimate moments with my wife without flashbacks to other moments? I want so badly to be able to enjoy sex again. I want to stop remembering the times it hurt or I was scared. I want to stop remembering the times I just lay there because it was easier to do that. I want to stop remembering…

There’s a confusion in my head that equates “real” care with violation and submitting. It’s a caregiver transference thing I think, because when De asked if I believed L cares about me I realized I know she does. That belief doesn’t transfer to her (though on some level in still sometimes shocked when she doesn’t physically hurt me or threaten to hurt me). It’s more just for people in power/perceived power… I dunno.

Anyway… yeah… gonna try to keep ahead of the depression I’m beginning to notice more strongly. Hoping I can keep it at bay. It’s such a tiring cycle…

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