It’s all they see

Went to a doctor’s appointment today. I normally really like this doctor. she’s normally really cool, but today I felt like all she could see was my m.i. diagnosis… I’m trying to tell myself it probably has more to do with my anxiety and being one of her last patients for the day (the one after me was probably due to deliver this week from the part of the conversation I overheard while checking out) than it does with me as a person. I’m still having trouble feeling the validity of that though.

I felt like she rushed me and didn’t give me a chance to explain why I was there… again, likely due to the time of my appointment, and the nature of the appointment after me.

Whatever. I’m going to keep reminding myself that she is generally an awesome doctor.

On a slightly related note, I want to talk to L more about what is going on for me lately, but I don’t know how to do it. I doubt the validity of my memories too much to be able to talk to her about them. She kinda guessed about it tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to confirm it. How do you tell someone about something you are not even sure is real? I mean, it certainly impacts our relationship significantly, so I owe it to her to talk about it… but I don’t know how to do that when I can’t even say for sure they are real memories. I keep faltering and being convinced I made them up for some weird reason. I go through periods of questioning everything I remember. I think it’s all a lie. I think I just need the attention having that history brings me. I don’t know how to come to terms with some other disturbing stuff, so I weave stories around it to allow it to make sense. It’s all a lie…

And then I can physically feel it again. The sensations of it play on or in my body and I know it’s real, but only while I can feel it happening. Once the sensations quiet, I doubt it all over again.

Why didn’t I remember it till now?
What if I’m just putting the wrong face to the body?
What if I’m talking about the wrong person?
What if it’s just all something I saw on TV and somehow translated into a “memory”?

Memory is a shift thing after all…


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