I’ve been in this weird head-space all day. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like living elsewhere while my body is going through the motions in this world. It’s two realities at once, but not completely either of them.
I don’t recall any dreams while I napped today, but it’s that “stuck in a dream” feeling. It’s continuing just out of my cognitive awareness, but I know the emotional experiences don’t belong to this moment. It doesn’t feel like a flashback because I can’t tie the emotions to anything real. They feel detached and belonging to some other reality. It feels as unreal as a dream, like walking in a fog.
Struggling with self-harm desires too… “desires” isn’t the right word, but neither is “urges”… self-harm thoughts? They’re more than mere thoughts though. I dunno. It’s not just cutting thoughts/desires/urges. It’s wanting to go out clubbing complete with mass amounts of alcohol and drugs (something that was never “my thing”, nor have I ever done more than smoke some weed)… It’s imagining a release, an escape from the prospect of what I’ve been addressing in therapy. The scared little kid has given way to a reckless teenager. The scenarios (or emotional scenes) going through my head are all very out of character for anything I would actually do. Just a really good imagination I guess. Dreams can feel real in the moment after all.
The body sensations are still really uncomfortable. They have not gotten unbearable though, so that’s good. Maybe Dr C is right. Maybe this can be done safely… I have not fallen apart yet, and so far the “safety net” we talked about seems to be lessening the impact of stirring things up. :shrugs: Hope it keeps working.
Sorry. I’m rambling. I dunno if any of that makes sense…