Murphy’s law strikes again…

I was describing my anxiety in group yesterday. I had mentioned that the ptsd symptoms seemed to have quieted only to be replaced by the anxiety. About 5 minutes later, we started talking about breathing as one way to deal with the anxiety and…

bam!

There came a body memory so strong I shuddered & jumped a little in my seat. Dr C looked at me, but didn’t ask. I’m guessing she will either bring it up in session or wait for me to bring it up then… in the moment (and actually a bit before), I was fighting the urge to walk out of the room. I wanted an escape from the sensations and memories threatening to burst forth, but I was a good girl. I stayed in my chair and struggled to stay in the moment. I forcibly refocused my attention to whomever was talking several times throughout the last 15 minutes of group… I also refrained from bugging Dr C for more of her time to help ground. I was pretty sure I could manage it on my own if I got out of that room and away from the conversation on breathing.

I was successful in distracting myself and not letting it escalate too far into a full-blown flashback. I did spend quite a bit of money on some comfort items (food, because I know that’s always ok in our house. I deliberately did not head to an art store or general merchandise store to avoid spending too much on stuff… I shouldn’t have spent on the extra food either, but… oh well).

Dr C also pointed out that the anxiety and ocd-like stuff sounded like it stemmed from a fear of something going wrong & it all being my fault.

Yup!

When I stopped to reexamine the thoughts at the times I get stuck in a loop of checking and rechecking, it’s all worries about me screwing things up royally :/ It’s part trauma response, part… I don’t even know what.

On a side note: I’ve managed to engage in only positive coping skills since the move. I even put my sleep aid away into the freezer as I have not used it at all since getting here (though that may have something to do with close neighbors, but in all honesty, I almost forgot I even had it). So, go me! 🙂

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