don’t know how to allow myself to feel

I was talking to L today for our usual daily chat (coz what else are you going to do when you’ve been 1500 miles apart for the past year and some weeks?), and I managed to get out (without my voice catching, and without having to go silent) that I was trying to come to terms with having to find one of the cats a new home… The words came, then the emotion hit, and that was all I could say about it without tears welling up in my eyes… even just writing it here they are threatening to burst forth, but I’m frantically blinking them away.

We also mentioned that Monday will be my last session with TM. More tears sprung to my eyes, but behaved themselves…

I don’t know how to allow myself to feel this. It’s too heavy and too scary. I still can’t think of leaving mom here by herself without the tears escaping from the confines of my eyes… So I stop the thoughts or the conversations. I switch the topic quickly and efficiently. And I still don’t release any of it. It’s safer to feel bad about losing TM because the level of emotional investment in her is not as great as it is with everything and everyone else. I care about her, she’s safe, I will miss her a lot, but it’s nowhere near the level of overwhelming hurt that comes with everything else.

It all feels like K & T dying again. It’s that huge. It hurts that much (only maybe more, because it’s them being gone, and worry over mom and the dog and cats and house and future and everything…). The safety net that was supposed to always be there is again going away. I feel like that poor bee I tried to rescue from drowning in the ocean several weeks ago. It was so windy & choppy, every time I fished him out, the wind caught him and threw him back into the water. Eventually the waves carried him away and I am assuming he perished… I feel like that little bee after I had fished him out a second time, and before the wind whipped him away again. There’s a sense of relief in knowing I’m getting out of the waves, but I also know it’s pretty windy. I’m holding my breath for the last time I get knocked in and the waves finally take me away from all hope of getting out of the water. I’m afraid it’s going to happen like that. I’m afraid something will finally knock me so far that all the means of finding safety are too far to get to.

I don’t know how to be ok feeling this emotion. Maybe if I felt support around it; maybe if there was a cushion of safety in attempting to deal with the emotion, I might be ok trying it in bits… but there’s no cushion. I will have 2 weeks after my last session with TM to keep it together and keep moving. There won’t be that neutral party to bring me back to a level-head. So I have to maintain it for myself. The only way I know how to do it and still function is to stuff it all away.

So I stuff. I fight the tears and the sadness and the fear. I fight the panic… I’m not sure how well I will manage that on the last drive out of the driveway, but at least I won’t be the one behind the wheel.

This sucks.


4 responses to “don’t know how to allow myself to feel

  • Rachel

    I sure can relate to not knowing how to feel – it either feels like nothing, or way too much. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your last session, and getting more logistics squared away.

  • alicewithptsd

    Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. I cant imagine how hard it is to have to say goodybye like this. Could the new therapist possibly be available via email or phone calls during that two weeks? Perhaps that could make you feel safer.
    That all or nothing feeling really does suck. Its so hard to stop splitting things, all or nothing, good or bad, black or white. I hope you find the “grey”. Xx

    • Samantha Jane

      Thanks. The overwhelm comes and goes… lay night I was spending time with one of my mom’s cats (who was actually originally my cat until a similar thing happened). I remembered that she used to be a really cuddly kitty who always wanted to be with her people. Now she’s reserved and keeps her distance until she trusts me enough to come get loving. Last night though, she kept coming back to check I was still in the laundry room with her… I’d I moved too far from where she was eating, she turned around to get me to pet her again and come closer (switching the laundry ended up taking about 20 minutes). I actually let myself cry a bit with her. I’ll miss her demanding little self…
      The “new” therapist is actually someone I saw right before I moved. I’m guessing if I asked for phone support before the move, she would call back. I’m not sure I want to bother her like that though… good option to keep in mind. Thank you for mentioning it. 🙂
      Is word, other things I can access the gray much easier. Feeling emotions are a whole different animal though.

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