Daily Archives: June 18, 2015

don’t know how to allow myself to feel

I was talking to L today for our usual daily chat (coz what else are you going to do when you’ve been 1500 miles apart for the past year and some weeks?), and I managed to get out (without my voice catching, and without having to go silent) that I was trying to come to terms with having to find one of the cats a new home… The words came, then the emotion hit, and that was all I could say about it without tears welling up in my eyes… even just writing it here they are threatening to burst forth, but I’m frantically blinking them away.

We also mentioned that Monday will be my last session with TM. More tears sprung to my eyes, but behaved themselves…

I don’t know how to allow myself to feel this. It’s too heavy and too scary. I still can’t think of leaving mom here by herself without the tears escaping from the confines of my eyes… So I stop the thoughts or the conversations. I switch the topic quickly and efficiently. And I still don’t release any of it. It’s safer to feel bad about losing TM because the level of emotional investment in her is not as great as it is with everything and everyone else. I care about her, she’s safe, I will miss her a lot, but it’s nowhere near the level of overwhelming hurt that comes with everything else.

It all feels like K & T dying again. It’s that huge. It hurts that much (only maybe more, because it’s them being gone, and worry over mom and the dog and cats and house and future and everything…). The safety net that was supposed to always be there is again going away. I feel like that poor bee I tried to rescue from drowning in the ocean several weeks ago. It was so windy & choppy, every time I fished him out, the wind caught him and threw him back into the water. Eventually the waves carried him away and I am assuming he perished… I feel like that little bee after I had fished him out a second time, and before the wind whipped him away again. There’s a sense of relief in knowing I’m getting out of the waves, but I also know it’s pretty windy. I’m holding my breath for the last time I get knocked in and the waves finally take me away from all hope of getting out of the water. I’m afraid it’s going to happen like that. I’m afraid something will finally knock me so far that all the means of finding safety are too far to get to.

I don’t know how to be ok feeling this emotion. Maybe if I felt support around it; maybe if there was a cushion of safety in attempting to deal with the emotion, I might be ok trying it in bits… but there’s no cushion. I will have 2 weeks after my last session with TM to keep it together and keep moving. There won’t be that neutral party to bring me back to a level-head. So I have to maintain it for myself. The only way I know how to do it and still function is to stuff it all away.

So I stuff. I fight the tears and the sadness and the fear. I fight the panic… I’m not sure how well I will manage that on the last drive out of the driveway, but at least I won’t be the one behind the wheel.

This sucks.

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um, so getting back to what I was going to post… black pen test for mixed media art & art journals…

There was a question in an art journal fb group about the preferred black pens to use with mixed media and art journals. I’m a visual person, so I rounded up all the pens I have at home and did some tests to show how they work out. It’s certainly not all the ones available, but all the black pens & markers I could find at home.

I used Strathmore mixed media paper. I tested them on Golden brand gesso (creamier), Golden brand heavy gel, and Liquitex Basics gesso (rougher). The far right column was the pens directly on the paper, then (after heat-dried) washed over with a single pass of a soft brush full of water. I put the gessos and gel on fairly thick to the left side of their respective column, and thinner to the right (but only about 1.5″ wide in each column because I wasn’t thinking). It’s too humid for acrylic stuff to dry well here, so the thicker sides were still tacky when I did this. It effects the pen performance; the thinner sides took the pen better. Oh, and I did a last-minute triple-pass of matte medium over 1/2 the pen in the far left column…

The matte medium and water were used to the right of the lines in the individual examples in each column (except the one dedicated water column)…

The inc R2 & MegaBold pens are both dollar store finds…

Sadly, my favorite pen (Scarlet Lime) is no longer available. If anyone finds one that performs like that, with the same deep black, please point me in the right direction! I tried the FudeBall a while back (what was originally recommended to replace the Scarlet Lime), but it just didn’t hook me. In my opinion, it performed a lot like the dollar store pens for a much higher price. I used a friend’s at the time, so it’s not part of this test page. (I was just told that the Pilot Multiball pen and the Pilot BeGreen Recycled Permaball GellRollerball pen (UK) the same as the Scarlet Lime one… Will have to check both out.)

Does any of that even make sense? Hopefully the pics help…

If you have done something similar (or do it in the future), feel free to show & tell in the comments. If you allow, I will move your test up into the body of this post so it’s all in one place. 😉

 


really? that’s how you found me?

have you ever just browsed your stats to see how people find your blog?

I was casually looking before coming to post an art-related entry, and I stopped in my tracks & did a double-take when I read the only search term used to find me today:

search term used to find my blog

really? That is how you find me? I mean, I’m all for people stumbling onto this blog and maybe finding it helpful, but… ?! sorry to disappoint. nothing even close to any of that here. yes. each of those words, individually, may have been used as tags in my posts, but definitely not together like that… ::sigh::

smh around search engines that pop up blogs like this when people are clearly looking for something else…

seriously though, I’m pretty accepting of individual kink, but try not to harm or traumatized anyone while following your passions. black gay porn? sure, go for it! just leave the dog out of it (though I guess if you get off on watching dogs do it with other dogs, that’s ok, just don’t participate or force anything…). bestiality doesn’t exactly involve consent on the part of the animal, so I can’t condone that. consent and respect are huge deals in the realm of sexual activities.

if it was you, and you kept looking around here, more power to you for being disappointed but plugging on… lol.

WordPress and whatever search engine popped up my blog in response to that search term, you may want to check your algorithms… though I felt the need to add that search phrase into my tags, so now more people looking for that will find me easier, haha… oye!

 


Letting Your Light Shine – Teens Healing From Abuse

I need to read through this again at a later time, but I really liked the vidualization of the flame for healing from abuse. I think it could be used with a wider range of ages, though the blog specifically talks about using it for adolescents.

Alexandra House Blog

While each individual’s path of healing is unique, this “healing flame” is a visual representation of factors that contribute to healing for youth who have experienced abuse. It has been adapted from Kate Cavett’s Healing Wheel. It starts with the inner flame and grows outward.

Healing Flame “Let Your Light Shine”
Developed by Alexandra House 2014
Adapted from the Healing from Abuse Wheel by Kate Cavett

Naming the Abuse. Identifying abusive experiences and naming them can be the first step to healing. Talking to someone about your experiences in relationships can help you to see them in a new light and to identify what you may have initially thought of as “normal” as actually being harmful or abusive. Talking to a trusted friend or adult begins the journey of breaking through the isolation. The Power and Control Wheel can help.

Finding Safety. Once you have identified and named the abuse, it…

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