Sudden freak-out moment

I was up early this morning. I normally am awake, but in bed for several hours before I actually get up. This morning I physically got out of bed before 6:30am. I sat on the patio with the dogs and drank my coffee… the problem with that though, is the panic over this move and the losses kicked in earlier in the day. I did my online stuff already and it’s not even 10 am. I’ve finished all the distractions that normally get me through to 1 pm… now there’s time to think. I really don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember that everything changes in 3 weeks. I don’t want to remember that next week is my last session with TM. I don’t want to tackle the giant task of sorting things, packing them, and moving them. I don’t want to think about the fact that I feel people see my animals as disposable. I don’t want to be aware of any of the losses or changes coming up… and I don’t want to cry.

I suddenly feel very needy today. I want to be a little kid and not worry about anything, only I’m worried about everything.

Maybe if I get the dogs up-&-at-’em, their craziness will provide a distraction for the time being. I could do mani-pedis and give the little guy the haircut he so desperately needs. Then maybe I can clean out the snake cages I’m hoping to sell before the move… and… I don’t know. Hoping that provides enough distraction and draining to allow this panic to abate.

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9 responses to “Sudden freak-out moment

  • S.G

    What would happen if you did let yourself cry or feel? It seems you’re spending an awful lot of energy pushing away all that stuff, and it never really goes away does it?

    • Samantha Jane

      Yeah. I know it doesn’t go away… I’m just scared of being overwhelmed by it. Need to be able to keep functioning.

      • S.G

        But aren’t you being overwhelmed anyway? Either overwhelming depression or overwhelming fear or overwhelming apathy or overwhelming flashbacks? What is you were overwhelmed with feelings for a while? The overwhelm would be the same except by feeling your emotions you might actually clean some of that fear and pain out and give you room to function and actually live your life. I know it’s scary though and you’ll know what’s best for you.

      • Samantha Jane

        … yeah… :(… :/…
        I think I know what to do with the overwhelm of flashbacks and anxiety, but sadness and fear are harder to deal with… I do get your point though. It’s all overwhelm, just different kinds…

      • Samantha Jane

        How do get over the fear of crying? How does that ever feel safe to do?…

      • S.G

        I suppose it will never feel safe until you experience it and learn that it passes. Why wouldn’t it be safe to cry?

      • Samantha Jane

        Coz it just never is… the little kid in me is very much in the forefront right now. She’s terrified skeletor will show up and she will be in trouble… and the adult me is worried I won’t be able to stop crying if I start… and it’s gross and messy…
        I know. Head space I need to get out of… just not sure how to at the moment. I can’t convince the head in my voice that there doesn’t have to be a “good” reason to cry. No one is “going to give me something to cry about”. The world will not end…
        I go back and forth in my head about the merits of crying and releasing the emotion, and I’m still not able to land on the rational end of the arguments. One of those things I keep vowing to work on in therapy yet never really manage to get around to.

      • S.G

        Well crying and not being able to stop is impossible You WILL stop eventually. It’s a biological certainty. My old therapist told me once that crying has a beginning, a middle and an end. I didn’t even know that but it was helpful information.
        The going back and forth about letting yourself cry is more avoidance, the overthinking is a barrier to feeling. Until you start letting yourself feel, you’re going to be crippled and stuck in this depression. I used to feel the same about feeling things and it’s really only in the last year I’ve allowed myself to feel and it’s difficult to sit with at times but each time gets easier.

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