Changes…

Change is hard. I’m finding myself more and more uneasy as the move gets closer. I’m avoiding anything to do with it at a more desperate pace. It’s weird. So much positive is coming out of this move, yet there’s this huge fear.

There are expectations when I go back. It feels like they are too much. Yes, I know I was functioning relatively well when I left. I was competent and (mostly) together. I could do (or fake) a whole bunch of stuff. Now though? Now I can barely get out of bed. The days are more rocky then stable. The fake feels too forced… all the losses I never came to terms with the first time I left here are going to have to be dealt with this time around. I’m scared of that.

While I had built distance and walls and a life up there, it all fell apart down here. I’m sure I can get back to a more balanced space, but right now I’m indulging my fear for a few moments. I’m letting the anxiety come in hopes that it will leave again. Emotions are supposed to be like waves after all. They are supposed to hit, peak, then dissipate. Only I find mine hit hard, take forever to peak at impossibly high levels, dissipate, but then are quickly followed by another wave. Kinda like trying to swim in the ocean during a hurricane that never leaves…

Anyway. Yeah. I can do this. o_O

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2 responses to “Changes…

  • alicewithptsd

    You can get back to a more balanced place. Sometimes I feel like i was “better” 3 years ago, but I am not so sure i was. My outside functioning was better, yes thats true. But my insides were just as messy, i was just very good at hiding it. If thats true for you, too, i hope you can find a way to a balanced place without hiding things from yourself and without having to pretend. I’m thinking about you and wishing you lots of peace with the move. Xx

    • Samantha Jane

      Thank you. ❤ I do think there was a lot of hiding involved before. I was just better at it, which made it look as if things were more together then. Then things were ripped away more forcefully here. I'm in a good space this morning, so there is hope and a belief that I will rebuild. I'm trying to be realistic with myself though. I'm trying to remind myself that, while the move will take me away from a lot of constant triggers, I can't run away from the broken bits of myself; they still need work (and glue. Orr grout. Or something) to help then stay together.
      Thank you for the kind words and thoughts 🙂

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