Treatment up in the air

TM and I talked about treatment options again today. I was able to be honest with her about not knowing if my depression would get bad again, or if I could handle things till the move.
I also told her I wasn’t sure what would be the best course of action for my current supports… we tossed around ideas, and ended on me attending the iop intake next week. Hopefully I will get a better picture of both the program structure and whether or not it would make sense for me to go. She’s ok offering me at least 2 more sessions at the moment.
There’s so much wrapped up in this move, I’m not totally confident I won’t crash, but I also don’t want to make a crash happen by expecting one…
I also have to figure out treatment for after the move. Dr C has not returned my calls, so I’m not counting on her to be able to see me. I put out feelers to a few other people in the mean time… I really don’t want to have to go through all this again in a few months after I get up there.

TM and I also covered a bit of the details I gave her to read last week. I’m not sure I got anything out of what we talked about. Maybe I need to ask her to let me read it out loud next week… it would cause a lot of anxiety and triggers, but it also helps in the long run… I dunno. We might not have time though.

Might still want to cover that homework I had given her maybe 2 months ago. We never did anything with it, and it feels unfinished. If I’m admitting all that, I need a bit more closure on it with her, but what we covered today was triggering and unsatisfying. It didn’t bring the closure I had hoped, partially because my walls are up. She felt like a stranger today instead of someone I trusted. I’m not sure how I can go from feeling safe with her until the moment we talk about termination, then she’s suddenly someone I have no connection to… it’s frustrating. :/


7 responses to “Treatment up in the air

  • ThisGirl

    The relationships between you guys doesn’t seem to be as it should, have you talked about that much? Sorry for jumping in here, I’m lousy at commenting, but I’m reading – promise.

    • Samantha Jane

      Jump in whenever with whatever 😉 no expectations or judgements around commenting, content, or lack of commenting from me (unless you were being mean just to be mean).
      The relationship is at a weird point. She works for a county clinic, so must follow clinic guidelines and rules. It’s a short-term clinic also (due to funding) with very specific rules around treatment. It makes for a weird dynamic and dictates that clients must be stable enough for weekly or biweekly appointments to recieve services there.
      I think the relationship issues are very much on my end. I throw up huge walls at the slightest trigger. The thought of moving and having to terminate is a big one, so walls went up super-fast and hard. I also know I struggle a lot with transference with her. I’m having trouble keeping a consistent idea of her in my head. Her “presence” shifts from the TM I experience in person *most* of the time, to former therapists, to people in my life who I have had poor relationships with, to people I’ve had positive relationships with. It makes for very confusing therapy. I’ve mentioned it happening, and gotten reality checks around it at times, but I don’t always realize it in the moment to be able to ask… I’m not sure if I will have the chance to talk to her about this instance (or if I even want to bother about it).
      Wrapping things up before “being finished” also adds to the weirdness of the dynamic. :shrugz: I dunno.

  • Rachel

    I think it makes complete sense your walls are up with termination coming so soon. I understand what that is like (generally, certainly not for you, specifically), and it is very frustrating! Frustrating because it makes the time you actually still have with her not as connected, because you’re already protecting yourself by distancing. Goodbyes and transitions are so hard, you have my empathy.

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