That life feels so long ago

I never unsubscribed to the professional mailing lists I was on while working. Partly because I want to keep current on my education, but also partly because it would have been so much work… every day I get several professional newsletters that normally just get filed or trashed from my inbox. For some reason, I read a few of them this morning before hitting delete.

That life feels so removed from where I am today. I can still (again?) click into that mode of thinking, but it feels like another lifetime. There’s still no congruence between the professional side of me that can grasp and implement therapeutic interventions, and the broken side of me that has no clue how to fit the pieces back together. How can they both exist in me? How can the divide be so huge, yet it still all be “me”?

Reading the headlines from one of the newsletters (it focused on maintaining trauma informed practices in congregate care settings), I started to mentally tick off all the ways I noticed the change in practices where I had worked… I thought of ways to refresh the training and take it further.

Then I tried to think of those practices in relation to how I view myself. Immediately my thoughts froze. I can’t hold those values and lessons up when viewing my own life. I don’t see a need for compassion because I should know how to handle this already. I have the training. I’ve learned the skills both professionally and personally. my trauma history has no bearing because I should be further along in healing by now…

And then I remember myself speaking to our staff at training and reminding them to be gentle with our clients. Healing takes time. Everyone does it at their own pace… only my negative voice screams over the professional one and berates me again for not having healed myself already…

I can have compassion and understanding for others’ healing journeys (grammar moment:the spelling of “journeys” does not look correct to me, but I can’t figure it out right now), but not my own… I can know how to hold hope for someone else, but there’s none for me. I can have an inkling of how to proceed with a client on this path, but there’s no hope of ever getting what I think might help me down this road… I feel too broken. And the professional side feels too far removed.

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