can’t get a grip on these emotions

I know, you’re probably sick of reading from me… Skip if you want (nothing of worth anyway, just me documenting mostly for myself).

I can’t get a handle on my emotions this week. I’m flying from being ok when I saw TM yesterday, to crashing last night and not being able to pull out of it today. Everything seems hopeless and useless and pointless…

I want to call TM and say next week will be it. I’m not seeing a point to it right now, since I hope to be moving in just over a month. What can we possibly accomplish in that time? Why did I bother to trust her or work with her in the first place. I knew it would end fast. I guess I was hoping it would be easier if I tried to just push through things. It’s not. And now it just sucks. I’m not totally sure what triggered this crash, but I’m back to another transference reaction, similar to the one around De’s leaving (only this time I’m doing the leaving). I don’t think it helps that I feel like TM “gets” me. She responds to my not-always-spoken fears, and we seem to click. I want to take her with me when I go, but I know it’s not possible…

I’m back to really just wanting to hide forever. F-this. I’m cooked right now. And I’m being stubborn and I’m not going to call her tomorrow. She’s right, I need to get back to a place of not needing her. So…

At the same time, I want to go hide in her office and get through all this emotional b.s. I want her to tell me it’s ok to be a mess, and that it’s gonna suck, but eventually it will get better. And I want her to tell me I was stupid for thinking I’d be able to get through any significant progress around all this in 4 months… I want her to agree that I should have known better. And I want her to hate me, and do something so I can be mad at her so it’s easier to just walk away.

I want to run away so badly right now. I want to erase everything and just disappear…

I’m so done with this constant roller-coaster. I wish there was some magic that worked. I wish meds didn’t make things worse… I wish I could just blink into nothingness.


2 responses to “can’t get a grip on these emotions

  • gmgoetz

    Hey Samantha, do you know what, I never get tired of hearing from you, and I imagine a number of others are the same. When you need to release the pent up emotions, and the frustrations, and the hurts, and the doubts and fears, this is a place to do it. A safe place to let it go, and say what you like.
    You are cared for, my friend, by many people. Now, you need to think about caring for yourself, seeing who you are through clear eyes and a clear mind, rather than through foggy eyes.
    It really sounds like TM is good for you, and since you like her and can relate to her, see her as often as you can.
    If you are willing, and willing to work at it, and continue to trust TM, or another counsellor that is as good as TM, you will get better, you will amaze yourself.
    I, nor many others I believe, will be amazed, because I see in you tremendous possibilities. Once you work through your past, and even some of your present, you will be improving, and you will even see it yourself at that time.
    Did I miss earlier that you are moving? Is it a long distance move, that you will not be able to connect with TM any longer? If it is, perhaps she can
    connect you with another that will be as good and understanding as her.
    You can do it Girl. Don’t give up on yourself, please. We are with you, pulling for you all the way.

    I hope you made it all the way through this “letter”. I try to keep things short, but at times the words keep coming, and when I care about a person and what the person is thinking or doing, I try to encourage, or give ideas.
    Hope you are not bored. Hope you will enjoy you day. George

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