seeing inside of my head (literally. there’s a scary clown in there, and a fat & happy pumpkin)

I picked up a copy of my CT  scan to take to the neurologist with me today. I’m glad I picked it up with enough time to look at it myself. It’s neat to look at, though I don’t understand the totality of what I am seeing beyond the basics of: “cool, that’s my brain”… I saved a copy of the file for myself, and will probably post a still once I can figure out how to get it onto this computer (I don’t have a disc drive on mine, so I needed to view and save it to another one)…

I will have to get a copy of the scans done a year ago also. I will want a copy myself, but that hospital is suggesting I should have the Dr’s office send a request via fax. I’ll be interested to see if it’s any different now.

Anyway, so yeah, going to the neurologist today in hopes of getting closer to figuring out where my symptoms are coming from and why they are getting more frequent.

I was going to try to drive myself to pick up the records at the hospital today, but driving makes my vertigo much worse. It’s not so bad when I walk or sit, but driving really messes me up. I had to ask my mom to drive me, and she will be driving me to my appointment shortly.

One of my big worries is losing my ability to drive if this keeps up. I like having the independence and freedom to get places myself. Right now, when the vertigo and confusion hit without warning, it suddenly becomes unsafe for me to drive (think of driving while quite buzzed, bordering on drunk, only not having had any alcohol). I am super-paranoid about safe driving, and would not want to endanger other people on the road…

I really hope this guy can figure out what is wrong and how to fix it (crossing fingers).

So, just in case anyone wants a laugh (or scare) here’s a fat & happy pumpkin, and a creepy clown:

happy brain scary clown in my head

The more I look at the “clown”, the more it looks like Kermit in sugar skull makeup… hmm…


8 responses to “seeing inside of my head (literally. there’s a scary clown in there, and a fat & happy pumpkin)

  • gmgoetz

    Hoping all goes well with you, and positive improvements will be seen.

  • Time For Anxiety

    The fat pumpkin is awesome looking. It also looks like a menacing raisin!

    Has there been a diagnosis about anything yet? I mean, is it possible that this is all mental, and not physical?

    I ask because I know anxiety can play very convincing tricks on people to the point where actual symptoms show up without any physical explanation to the problem. I believe it is called somatoform disorder.

    This is something I was told about by my therapist. I was convinced that the sensations I was having (dizziness, chest pains, head pains) could all be explained by a doctor, but I was in fact thinking in a way that caused these sensations to feel so real.

    I hope it is nothing physical, because mental disorders are much easier to tackle, and much less scary.

    • Samantha Jane

      Lol on the menacing raisin! Too funny 😀

      There is no diagnosis yet, but the possibility of it being somatic is on the table. That’s actually why I hadn’t really sought treatment for it till now… I think I’d actually rather it have a real physical cause. To me that’s easier to deal with, though I will learn to deal if it’s all somatic.
      There’s a history of some weird stuff in my family, including really “unusual” presentations for some common ailments. I often get incredibly sore throats and lose my voice without any physical evidence of infection. Then the pain will go away and my voice comes back. Only then does my throat swell and get inflamed. It no longer hurts, but the physical evidence is there… it’s very weird.

      But anyway, thanks for the concern. Hoping I get answers (one way or another) soon so I can move on from this.

      • Time For Anxiety

        I too used to have the mentality that a broken bone would be easier to deal with that anxiety, but it isn’t true. The reason I thought about the physical illness being better was because someone else would take care of it for me. The mind is something, for the most part, that you will have to take care of yourself. Though more challenging, it is much more rewarding when you come out victorious.

      • Samantha Jane

        I think for me is more that there’s a definite way to fix it if it’s physical. There is not if it’s purely emotional.

      • Time For Anxiety

        There absolutely is a way to fix it if it is mental. Anxiety is horrible, scary, and sometimes it seems like there is no way out. I’m proof that it can be done without any magic, pills, or crazy homeopathic remedies.

        The cure is already within you, but you have to be willing to face your greatest fears in order to destroy the overwhelming anxious feelings.

        This video helped me out tremendously. Check it out, and maybe it will give you a bit of hope.

      • Samantha Jane

        I think it’s very possible to get through psychiatric issues, but the same interventions do not work for everyone. I’ve never encountered a treatment that has proven reliably effective for everyone. It may work awesome for a bunch of people but there will always be those for whom that particular intervention does nothing (or worse yet, does harm). I know that is true for physical ailments also, however the variability with that is significantly less than it is with mental health issues.
        I will definitely check out the link you sent though.

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