I start my “horse hours” at the therapeutic farm tomorrow morning.
I don’t want to make a commitment I can’t keep. I don’t want to have to be reliable (because I worry I won’t be).
Maybe it’s not the right environment to try back into. Maybe it’s too close to the mh field (though not at all involving therapy, simply support presence). Maybe I worry that I haven’t dealt effectively with my own grief issues enough. Maybe I worry too much about my stability. Maybe the depression is worse than I care to admit because I really don;t want to have to drag myself there. I’m sure I will like it once I get there, but the getting there and smiling and being social is the hard part. I can pick up horse care fairly easily (at least the basics), I’m not worried about that or interactions with them… It’s the people I’m worried about. It’s having to smile and be competent and not as painfully socially awkward as I have become. It’s the thought of the upcoming weekend intensive training that will likely trigger me (and be a large expense I can’t necessarily afford)…
I want to curl back into myself and hide. I want to shrug off responsibilities and give in to the screaming anxiety; “How the hell did I think this was a good idea? What crack was I smoking?!” Sure, I love animals and helping people, but… this is really scary right now.