TM called as I was out the door, only I missed the phone call. I got her message though. She had to cancel as she was leaving the office for a personal emergency. Either whatever was going on last week carried over to this week, or she has really shitty luck right now… Either way, I hope things turn out ok for her.
So all my anxiety over this session, and all my hopes at resolving my impressions of last session are on hold at the moment. I felt myself starting to shut down even before I listened to the message. I had guessed it was going to be a cancellation because she doesn’t just call me to chat. I was right… I felt a mixture of sadness for her, and a wiping of hope that we could get on to the same page any time soon. I wasn’t very trusting of her before, but now the walls have really gone up. I get it though. I understand that life happens and things get in the way. I also know that for myself, I need those walls up right now…
She’s supposed to call to reschedule. She had mentioned calling tomorrow, but I’m putting no hope in hearing from her this week, let alone tomorrow. I’m guessing also that I won’t be seeing her till next week.
I’m better at planned breaks, not this sudden stuff (though I know sudden stuff happens). I’m less on the mental track of “worst case scenarios” when it’s a planned break.
I’m also finding I have shit timing in the grand scheme of the universe. I open up about needing consistency and about fearing that people hate me, and suddenly the person I’ve opened up to is out of the picture for one reason or another. I know it’s not always something in their control, or that I am the reason for their absence, it’s just shitty timing in the grand scheme of things. (I’m also terrible around social niceties. I worry so much about saying the right thing that I rehearse what to say several times before opening my mouth. Then once I do speak, all the rehearsal is pointless because I end up saying something really awkward or stupid… I should just stop trying).