I’m still trying to figure out what I feel about today’s cancellation. It’s such a jumbled mess.
I know there’s a lot of anger at myself for feeling so much over it; for being so dependant and needy; for being so self-centered right now… There’s a bit of feeling let down or disappointed, and that makes me angrier still at myself. It’s not like she planned this. I’ve been in her shoes at least to the point of having an emergency suddenly come up and me not being able to be there for my clients. I know what I needed at that time was understanding and patience. I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it. TM actually deserves it, but the little kid in me is reacting to it all like it’s a huge personal affront. I know it has nothing to do with me, so why can’t I step out of the emotions around it?
The walls may keep “dangerous” things out, but they also keep me mired in the same emotional pit. Or maybe it’s my anger at myself that keeps me here? I don’t believe it’s ok to have any selfish reactions to a situation like this, so I refuse to either accept them or feel them. It helps to keep me stuck.
Is there any rationale for allowing these really out-of-place emotions of abandonment, anger, fear, and sadness at this time? Where’s my empathy? Why am I mad at her for cancelling last-minute because of something she has no control over?
How can I get out of this feedback loop?