can’t get out of my own way again

Spent the session with TM pretty checked-out. I didn’t know how to ask for a reality check around what I interpreted as her being sad and tired today, so I didn’t bring up any of what I had intended to. She took that as disengaging in therapy and as me being more depressed and tired… to a degree she is correct, I am totally exhausted with everything on my plate. but I also don’t know how to bring my concerns to her right now. It felt safer for a while, but the last two sessions have not felt that way. I tried to tell her that there is stuff I want to bring to her to talk about during the week, but when actually faced with the prospect of talking about it, it’s suddenly very not safe to address anything. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the courage to admit that till the end of the session, so we didn’t talk more about it… I want to leave her a message, but I am afraid she will pick up the phone if I call while she’s still in the office for the day, so I will leave one tonight after she goes home.

I see her again on Tuesday (finally back to the original schedule), but I am very tempted to bow out of therapy for the time being. I don’t know how to make it feel safe in the time we have left…

I’m supposed to find some structure for myself between now and Tuesday. Dunno. I think I’m just stuck.

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Aside of trying to remember to write or draw in session, think I’m going to show this to her. I did it tonight, in the sketch book vs the art journal (less pressure to have something put-together and presentable in this thing –> easier expression). Hoping this helps vs the huge wall of text I have going on in my journal to her…
image

There’s also a rough concept sketch from last week, but for whatever reason it didn’t feel like something I could show her. I didn’t even remember I had done it till just now looking into the art journal. I guess I need things to feel “finished” in there to remember doing them in the moment.
image

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4 responses to “can’t get out of my own way again

  • gmgoetz

    Hi Samantha, sorry to see you struggle so much in that way. An idea crossed my mind you may have already done, or perhaps it is not possible or workable in your situation, but I thought I would write it anyway.
    How about writing out your thoughts and the things you really wish to say but can’t when you and TM are together for the session. Just an idea to pass along.
    Hoping some thing comes along that works for you and helps.

    • Samantha Jane

      Hmm. Writing in session is a new idea. Might try that next time. Thanks. I normally wrote outside of session and try to bring it in (and mostly fail). Gonna see what she says about writing in session. Or drawing. I used to draw in session a lot with past therapists. Thank you.

  • S.G

    This art piece is very powerful. It looks to me like all the thoughts and feelings are in front of you, almost like a wall of confusing emotion, like they are physically in front of you and in between you and any other person, no allowing you to reach out and connect.

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