the world through gray-colored funhouse glasses

My anxiety is creeping up. I can’t stop the restlessness, so I’m trying to breathe through it. I made flan de coco. I have been bouncing around this evening… I barely paid attention to the recipe as I was cooking. Now I want it to just be finished.

Struggling with how I’m interpreting Thursday’s session. Trying not to read too much into it, but I keep having to remind myself of the actual words said, and not spin them into something else in my head. It’s difficult. Everything is viewed through this really distorted lens of how everyone should hate me (because I hate me)… :/

TM wanted me to ask L for a list of 3 or 4 things that she liked about me. L was more than happy to oblige, and she did so within a matter of minutes. She said it reminded  her of something J would have us do… I read her list and told her she was full of it, and we both laughed. I have a lot of trouble accepting that anyone would love me.

I had all this extra time to think about it, and I can’t come up with a list for L. There’s all this stuff I thought about, but I worry it would not sound genuine. I expect her to react to it like I did, so I don’t want to give it to her. She was so courageous in giving her list to me even though she knew I would summarily reject it. I’m not that brave…

It must suck to live with me and try to love me.


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