running from myself

I feel like I’m running from myself today. I’d bouncing back and forth amongst coping skills and busy-activities in hopes of staving off the intensity of flashbacks threatening to overwhelm me. I really hate this time of month. It triggers on way too many levels.

I’m too distracted to do any one thing for very long. I think 5 minutes would be an overstatement of my ability to follow any one task.

If I had some cash, I would feel better about leaving the house. As it is, I barely have enough to get myself much gas for the rest of the month, forget anything extra. The lottery jackpot is huge tonight, but I am having trouble justifying digging through the piggy bank for even one ticket cost. It would be awesome if I won, but the likelihood of that is pretty slim… so do I waste the $2 on a ticket? or do I save that for my traditional cup of coffee before therapy next week?

Trying to be mindful of the moment and not let my anxiety run amuck. Right now, my fear of what the flashbacks bring is greater than the intensity of the actual ones I am experiencing. My impulses are battling it out with my intellect. Part of me is responding in the old, impulsive, over-blown way, while another part is trying to kick in the newer learning and composure. I was telling TM yesterday that I know I should be responding better to all this, and that’s what I am trying to do. The truth is that I do know how to respond differently, it just takes much more work and energy. Right now, I have what it takes to put in that effort (even if it means re-directing myself a million and one times an hour). It’s exhausting though, so I need to figure out how to breathe through this.

Ok. What to do today to help center? I need gas for the car. Then I can either go to the beach or grab a lottery ticket while out getting gas… beach would be better because gas by the beach is cheaper. Good, that’s one thing. Get gas and go to the beach. Then what? Um… Maybe do some art? art would be good. Ok, so get gas, go to beach, do some art… then…? Um… yeah… sure. that.

You ever catch yourself wanting to call a friend to hang, then talk yourself out of it before you get past that first thought because a million and one reasons pop into your head about why they wouldn’t want to get together (the first of which always seems to be “why in the world would they even want to consider hanging with me?!”)?

I could make candles, but then the thought of how nice the hot wax would feel on my skin floats through my head. Ugh. No. Old coping… need to focus on new coping. Make candles to sell? Or decopage the candle holders to make them prettier? Or finally do something with all the beer bottles I’ve collected this past year? I could try the string soaked in rubbing alcohol to cut the top off the bottles, then make then into glasses or candle holders…

Need to stop this anxious running feeling. Maybe going to an actual run? ok, who am I kidding, how about a brisk walk?

I dunno. Maybe pull out art journal stuff and do something in that?

I should clean the reptile room.

Or maybe I’ll just sit here till some of the anxiety subsides so I can focus on one thing.

Brain, please just shut up and calm down.

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