do I go or do I stay?

I got a call this morning from a clinician at De’s former office. I had planned to ask her a bunch of questions and talk a bit about my hesitancy in returning there, but as usual, my head went blank as soon as I answered the phone. I had originally written my concerns/questions down but it was on my phone and I couldn’t look at it while talking to her. I became so flustered that I simply set up an appointment with her for early next week. I will make sure to print out what I had written and take it with me to the meeting. She had said we won’t go over all the information I did the first time with De, but it will still take an hour to an hour and a half. She had mentioned doing some of the assessments again. I’m trying to remember the ones I did the first time around, but the only ones I remember are the BECK Depression Inventory and the Trauma Symptom Inventory – 2 (TSI-II) (funny enough, I did quite a bit of research on the original scale when it was being tested… It’s changed over the years. I wish I could remember my research. It was SO long ago… like seriously, almost 18 years. I feel really old now). The way she said it though made it sound like there were more than 2 assessments. I guess I checked-out for it. Hopefully this go-around will be more memorable, lol.

Anyway, I’m still pretty hesitant about going back there. There is still part of me that feels like this is special treatment (it is), and that makes me uncomfortable. I know the people around me are telling me to go for it if it will help, but how do I get over the balking reaction when I think about it all? I know I’m really looking forward to being able to tackle this piece of the trauma, but I also know I need some other supports that I can’t really look to this new therapist for. There’s a “no duplication of services” clause with most any treatment providers. I’m not sure I know how to handle some of the daily stresses without the added support. Yeah, the trauma is a HUGE factor in most of my struggles, but there are other aspects to it, not just the sexual abuse. I know that was a large barrier to my success with DBT (lots of stuff was brought up, but I wasn’t able to process it because I was expected to focus on the skills development and emotion regulation). I’m hoping this go-around for trauma processing will go smoother. I guess that is something I will have to bring up with this therapist…

I heard back from one of the EMDR therapists I had emailed. His office does not accept my insurance at this time. The other two, I have not heard from. I guess if I get a weird feeling from this therapist, or we can’t assuage my anxieties, I will check back with TL’s agency and with D’s agency. I have options for support, I just need to settle on a course of action.

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