I got a call back from De’s old supervisor today. We actually ended up talking for quite a while (We both apologized simultaneously for taking up so much of the other’s time). We ended on me trying with another clinician there one more time. At first I was a bit relieved to have a trauma therapist again, and to be able to work on the trauma stuff almost exclusively, but now I am hesitant.

I don’t want to take the slot from someone who may need it more, I don’t want to take advantage of the system, and I don’t want to be an exception to the rule. Also, I don’t want to know that I will have to switch therapists again in 4 months if I don’t move… Looking back on my history with therapy, most of my progress was made with therapists I was able to see for more than a few months at a time (and who had more trauma experience). It takes me SO LONG to trust someone, the constant change makes it difficult to progress.

The positives about seeing a clinician at the s.a.c. center would be knowing that I am talking to someone who has more training around trauma, specifically sexual abuse. It might be easier for me to jump into the trauma narrative knowing that my time is very limited. They also have all the notes from De. Oh, and I made it a point to mention to the supervisor that I am aware of my tendency to distract from the focus of therapy and would like help staying on track. She agreed that it can be a lot easier to talk about the day-to-day stuff or deal with a crisis than to deal with the realities of the trauma. If I do end up there (so still up in the air, as I know I can back out even after speaking with the new therapist), I think I will underscore to her that I know my crises and self-harm are distractions. I will ask that she keep pushing me through all the other stuff that I am supposed to be there for in the first place. I know it was a huge relief when De did that a few times. She would have a plan in place for the session, and kinda just spring it on me when I got there. It was helpful in keeping me from getting too anxious, and in getting me through the material…  I actually left those sessions feeling like I accomplished something (or at least felt that way as the week progressed). I wish she had done more of that, but we digressed easily.

Anyway, sorry. I got lost in writing up things to tell the new clinician (wherever I end up). Hoping that if I can write out those “quick & dirty FAQ’s”, then maybe the “getting to know you” phase will go a bit faster at least on her end.  In talking to the supervisor today, I realized that I am kinda getting sick of therapy (at least the inconsistency) so if I can make this next round count enough to get me ok with a break, then all the better. I don’t know if I want to do therapy again when I get back up north if I won’t get to see Dr. C. At least if I can get a bunch of this trauma stuff out of the way down here (where it all happened, where all the huge triggers are), then maybe I won’t be so desperate for support. I’m just so tired of having to start all over again with the trust and the story… also, it’s difficult to find therapists who “think outside the box” in terms of treatment options. Most just regurgitate the same old things tried a million times that ended up not working for me.

The supervisor was explaining that they can adapt the TF CBT method for adults, and that it might be helpful. It’s still in the testing phases, but this center was chosen as a site to implement it and report on the results. If we end up using it with me, the data will be reported anonymously and with notation that it was adapted for an adult. Heck, at this point, I’m willing to try most anything (NO ECT or anything invasive though, never). Who knows… If it works, maybe I can move on with my life finally… That would be nice.

My other options are to 1) stay with TL’s agency and hope I get someone versed in trauma, 2) try D’s agency again, or 3) hope that one of the three EMDR therapists I emailed tonight takes my insurance…I guess I will see what it’s like talking to the therapist from De’s agency. If that doesn’t work, and the three EMDR clinicians don’t take my type of insurance, I will try out whomever at TL’s agency. If even that doesn’t work out, I will contact D’s agency and get more info… If all of that doesn’t work, then I will just take a break from therapy and try to do some self-directed work on it all (pretty difficult with trauma, especially since I feel the need to finally be able to share it, but if I have no choice, I have no choice). Here’s hoping whatever works out, does so for the best.


2 responses to “dilemma

  • andreabehindglass

    This sounds great: You have options, and some sound pretty positive. Please don’t worry about other people who may “need it more”. I actually don’t believe it is possible to quantify or compare what people could gain from therapy/treatment at any time, More importantly, you deserve a good quality of life, and happiness, and you deserve the help and the opportunity to improve things for you.

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