merry f*cking christmas

I woke up and checked my fb. Scrolling down, 2 of my friends had wished everyone a “merry christmas”… for a second I panicked: I thought I had lost more time (last I knew, it was only the 22nd). I backed my phone up to check the date. phew! ok, only the 23rd still…

then the panic came again. the holiday is almost here…

I hate it. I hate the thought of christmas and everywhere being closed and annoying music and so many reminders that I’m nowhere near where I want to be with my life. I’m spending the holiday without my wife (I miss her a lot). I can’t afford presents or entertainment or food I would like to eat that day… I don’t want to think about another year gone with mostly struggles to show for it. I have not learned responsibility yet. I haven’t learned how to move through all the baggage I can’t seem to put down. I can’t snap out of this depression vortex…

I want out. I’m tired. I don’t want to spend every day fighting tears or self-destructive thoughts. I don’t want to have to keep learning to trust someone just so that relationship can be lost in short order. I don’t want to remember the really shitty things I think I remember (the stories my brain attaches to the physical feelings that allows the emotional and physical memories to make sense, only they potentially shatter even the few shreds of happy memories from growing up)… I’m just done. I’m done begging for support and relief…

bed is calling. going to go hide under the blankets and blast music into my ears so I can forget this fucking stupid time of year and everything it shoves into my face… or maybe I’ll shower for the first time since seeing TL on Thursday, and head to the beach or the Everglades and forget what time of year it is (and going to stay off social media for a while)…


8 responses to “merry f*cking christmas

  • andreabehindglass

    Thank you for sharing. I understand.

  • S.G

    I take some of the power out of this holiday by reminding myself it just a day, like any other in the year. It will pass soon enough and everything will be back to normal. It’s a christian festival, and I’ve not been near a church in a loooong time, so really Christmas is nothing to me. Also, think of all the poor assholes who have to go put up with annoyng relatives and fake joviality for hours on end when really all they want is to be home on the couch in their jammies, alone!! We have it good, girl! 😉
    I jest, I know it’s a hard time for people, but I hope you can find peace over the next day or so. Being with mother nature sounds perfect. x

    • Samantha Jane

      I think the power in the day comes not only from all the terrible memories from the past, but the trend of people recounting their year and planning for the new one… I myself try to stay as far away from churches as possible (I will surely burn of I walk into one! Lol).
      I think I will try the mantra of “it’s just a day like any other” today and tomorrow. I like that idea… my family has traditionally celebrated Christmas eve (the European tradition) more so than Christmas day (the American tradition), so most of what happens in this house will happen tonight. Mom will male a point of having a “special” dinner tomorrow too, but that just means saying Merry Christmas and having extra drinks

  • Jane

    Do not let one silly day that has been interpreted to the point of selfish greed weigh heavily on you. You are a blessing in your own right so celebrate that.

    • Samantha Jane

      Thank you Jane! Think I’m going to the beach in a bit. Going to try to remember to make it my own day (De and other t’s have mentioned this in the past, and you and ST reminded me today). 🙂 ♡

  • Kevin

    Hope you made it through the holidays!

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