That sucked

Therapy today sucked. I barely held it together these past two weeks, and… well. It sucked. I didn’t know how to really communicate. As soon as I started to let a bit of my guard down, all the walls started to crumble… I thought I communicated how bad things were, but I guess not. She asked what changed between the time I was able to walk in to talk to her and the time I sat down. I didn’t know how to tell her it felt safe enough to crumble, and that’s why it started to happen…
We are still just doing every other week. I tried to tell her I wasn’t ok with that, and that I doubted I would call to schedule an appointment next week, but again, I guess I wasn’t effective…
I did ask her right at the beginning if she was mad at me from the previous week (because I had called asking to take her up on the appointment). She reminded me that she had told me to call if I needed to, and she apologized for not realizing they were closed Friday as part of the holiday. She tried to get me to reason out why I would think she was mad, and that if she had been, would it have been more her issue or something I had done (I think she had mentioned not being mad, but actually glad I was able to ask for something I needed). She again reminded me that she had asked me to call if I needed it… I know most of that was from emotional flashbacks, but I wasn’t in a space to be able to reason out of it. We agreed that most of what I was feeling was past stuff.
I got stuck on communicating several times. She changed gears and we did some “permission slips” for a while (similar to the coupons I made several weeks ago).  I know I got stuck on that part. She wanted me to write stuff, but I ended up only being able to draw. Then I got stuck on the drawing, and she managed to get me to write some words. In the end, I crumpled up the paper. I had meant to take it with me but forgot it on the little table. I’m wondering if she grabbed it and read the words. I crumpled it because I didn’t want to show her at the time, though it would have probably been good for her to see it…
At the very end of session, I was able to half ask her to clarify why we were tapering. I don’t totally remember what she said, but I got the impression that it was something about phasing me out of therapy there… I could have misunderstood her though, because my head was a swamped mess.
I wasn’t exactly in a head space to leave, but she needed to go. I ended up sitting in the car listening to music and crying for a while (more accurately, trying not to cry. I had to help a friend pack at the time and I didn’t want to show up to his house with puffy raccoon eyes).

image

I also had the art journal class tonight. Glad I went despite feeling shitty. It was a good class. It helped me distract once I could drag my head in behind me… the rest of the class did the stylized heart (and actually I started out doing that, but changed my mind and did a more anatomical one before I glued it in). I really like how their’s came out, but this felt more right tonight. :shrugs: it worked out for what I needed. I did keep some of the depression out of the piece though. I was going to put “dreams lie” or “dreams fail”, but left out the second word. I figured they didn’t need to know all that about me tonight. I wouldn’t want to explain it while I was still feeling raw (we all wander looking at everyone else’s work before we take off. Nothing formal, but just curiosity… didn’t want to have to explain that). It might get added now that I’m home. Also, I want to add some Ellie Goulding lyrics as soon as I look them up…

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